Brain farts, to be fair, aren’t limited to just those of the religious persuasion, but it can be said that those of the religious persuasion have dominated the global market of memorable cognitive fuckups. Sure, it’s not a monopoly, but it’s sure as shit close to it. Case in point: Grand Mufti Sheik Ibn Baaz who in 2000 issued a fatwa titled, “The Transmitted and Sensory Proofs of the Rotation of the Sun and Stillness of the Earth.” Don’t let the poetically pleasing title fool you. This was an edict that declared the earth was flat and disk-like and that the sun revolved around it. Clearly anticipating some blowback, Baaz pre-empted his critics and cautioned his followers to not believe seemingly contradictory satellite imagery as it was, he asserted, the mischievous work of Western intelligences agency’s trying to hoodwink the Islamic world.
A memorable brain fart to be sure, but until recently even Baaz had stood in the shadow of the onetime standalone giant of erroneous shots in the dark: Leo Allatius. Allatius was a 17th Century Catholic scholar, theologian, and keeper of the Vatican library who achieved notoriety for all the wrong reasons after confidently proclaiming the rings of Saturn were in fact Jesus’s foreskin; the thimble sized fleshy fruit of circumcision that had leapt out of our atmosphere in hot pursuit of its one-time owner as he disappeared into the heavenly realm. For reasons never clearly specified Allatius believed the holy foreskin had then settled around Saturn where it has since remained glistening in the solar glow for all to see, and for all to read about in his published treatise, De Praeputio Domini Nostri Jesu Christi Diatriba, or, “Discussion concerning the Prepuce of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
A space-going foreskin, holy or not, may for obvious reasons seem unbeatable, but even this navigationally skilled clump of penis skin has in recent days fallen to the near unimaginable absurdity which trumpeted from the mouth of the American Family Association’s Director of Issues Analysis, Bryan Fischer, when on the 14th of December he announced his god could have protected the victims of the Sandy Hook massacre, but didn’t because:
“[His] God is a gentleman and will not go
where he is not wanted.”
Mr. Fischer is without question the new rightful title holder of the Greatest Brain Fart Ever. His award is waiting in the lobby of Your God Sounds Like An Asshole Inc., located on the corner of You-Should-Not-Have-Any-Further-Contact-With-Another-Human-Being Avenue, and, Someone-Please-Take-The-Mic-From-That-Ignorant-Fool Street.