Theists, help me… I want to be a better atheist

Theists (particularly those of the off-coloured fundamentalist variety) have a rather large, somewhat embarrassing problem… and I want a piece of it. It has nothing (as some might suspect) to do with defending the patent lunacy of scripture, their inability to meet the Burden of Proof, or even the awkward fact that their gods’ last great semi-natural reservation, the quantum vacuum, is no longer available for games of ethereal hide and seek. It’s a problem far more sinister than that, and for very good reason they’re loath to admit it. Theists are atheists, but not just any garden variety, soft-boiled, run of the mill atheist. They are full-blown, rabid, frothing-at-the-mouth, biting-at-the-bit, dyed-in-the-wool militant anti-theist atheists… and I want to learn how they do it!

Every day fundamentalists fearlessly deny the existence of tens of thousands of gods (330 million if we add the Vedic Ishvaras) including my all-time favourite deity, the mischievous Veles: the Slavic god of musicians, wealth and trickery. Atheists typically perform this god-jettisoning trick just once in their life then move on with a renewed skip in their step. Not theists. They do it every single day, and they do it with style and a confidence that, quite frankly, I’m envious of. You see, to be perfectly honest, I’m not entirely certain Veles doesn’t exist. I have a fair idea he doesn’t but I can’t be 100% cocksure in my claim. Absolutes aren’t rational. I am, as such, 99% certain this skylarking rascal never hid a single set of my car keys, but I’ll happily (perhaps logically) leave that 1% chance floating out there to entertain my naturally superstitious leanings. Theists aren’t so shy. They are 110% convinced Veles doesn’t exist. They know this because they’re 110% certain their particular god is real, and their magical sky being can’t exist with Veles also out there defying nature by hiding my car keys… which he seems to do with alarming regularity. So, considering theists can’t meet the Burden of Proof demands for their own god they MUST surely be in possession of a kickass method of instead disproving all the 330+ million other gods or else they couldn’t possibly (logically) be so certain in their position.

So it’s clear, I’m no expert in disproving the gods. My 1% wiggle room for uncertainty is proof enough of that. The truly professional atheists are the theists, and the Masters in their ranks are the volcano fundamentalists who promise Hellfire to us noticeably less-skilled heathens. So please, theists, I beg of you: show me this fool proof method you use to dash the Slavic god of musicians, wealth and trickery to the obscurity of human invention and I’ll promise to replicate it and then use that EXACT SAME METHOD to dash your particular god, and do so this time with 110% certainty.