Alas, lack of marketing tools.
On a serious note, the thinking writers under the payroll of itchy preachers wanted to be inclusive and I suppose the perverts made a sizable audience.
Ah Arjun… It’s well known in marketing circles that perverts are the earliest adopters. Want to know what the first word typed into the first Search engine was?
“Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness, with which more than half the bible is filled, it would seem more consistent that we called it the word of a demon than the Word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind.” Thomas Paine
Paraphrasing Nietzsche, just for good measure: One had better put on gloves before handling the bible. The presence of so much filth makes it highly advisable. After coming into contact with religion, I always feel I must wash my hands.
Nietzsche’s Antichrist should be read by every religious person. In it he shows how much he loathed christianity.
Ingersoll in his writings at some point asks to be remembered by god that he defended him from blasphemy.
At least at my house it wasn’t sitting on a shelf next to the bible – after a brief, feeble attempt in Sunday school(from which I was ejected at age 5 for asking too many questions and upsetting the other children)I was schooled in Greek mythology. I’ve never read more than a few pages of the bible which I regret in some ways – as I’m at a complete disadvantage in many discussions. That said, at 53 I’ve managed just fine and honestly don’t think I have the stomach for it.
You’re not really missing much. Woefully boring, some talking donkeys, a fleet of unicorns, quite a deal of genocide, rape, incest, angel rape, more incest, some slavery, tips on slavery, more genocide, a really nasty mother fucker god who smotes everyone… then Book Two where same nasty mother fucker god has a change of heart and sacrifices himself, to himself, to save humanity from himself…. makes perfect sense.
“god has a change of heart and sacrifices himself, to himself, to save humanity from himself” That’s an excellent summary! Do you know, I’ve never thought about it like that? Deary me, it gets worse every day …
Well, you should tell Mr. Ark that! I made that into a meme and sent it to him weeks ago (he wanted one) and his reaction was, “Eh…I liked the other one better.”
This would make a great video of a family sitting by the fireside, little Elly grooming the family dog while Dad reads a couple of verses for the family before retiring for the night.
Now you are just horsing around with the Bible. You may wake up with a horse head in bed with you if you keep it up. Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.
Sure I’m messing around (gawd only knows i could do a year of bible memes with the material i have) but that’s exactly what the Christocons do, isn’t it? Bible passage here, bible passage there. Two can play that game 🙂
You said you wanted a theist to respond to your post. Why’d you pick me????
Response … Ah yes … Well, the little girl is adorable; makes me wonder how many pictures like that you have. No. On second thought, I really don’t want to know.
Seriously, though, my response is pretty much the same as everyone else’s. You’ve seen my blog. You know I suggested that Bibles be stored in fortresses guarded by sharpshooters. Your meme hasn’t caused me to rethink my position.
Of course, I’m worried about far worse things than getting preschoolers fixated on donkey penises. That’s pretty benign, actually. The rampant antisemitism in John’s gospel actually destroys lives — that’s worrisome. The Book of Revelation’s passive acceptance of catastrophe bothers me more than Ezechial’s candor. I kind of agree with shrinksarentcheap. Schoolgirls deserve to have some stuff to giggle about.
That’s my response. I’m as baffled as I am flattered that you sought me out.
Hehehe… yeah, i told her to have a go at you. The one about: god sacrificed himself, to himself, to save humanity from himself. I used that in a reply somewhere. She liked it.
Over on that post where you’re chatting with the Captain. Here, i’ll copy it below:
“Religion” is made up of yes flawed and bad people hence why true Christians align themselves with the redeemer and not a particular sect of faith i.e. Catholic, Lutheran…though many, many true and faithful believers are housed in the church what you have to understand is that their flaws have little to do with our Heavenly Father. And it is only love and a desire for the salvation of human kind that people spread the word of God and try to convert people. Your hatred will turn no one to your side or even bring you respect. Extremism seems to be the problem you have with the Christian faith if you have turned from God (which is obvious in your statements) and you want to live the life you have chosen then do so but don’t seep your hatred onto a community of people who have no hatred in their hearts for you. Being open-minded is a two way street. Grace, understanding and love are what can make the world a better place not hatred.
Jenness
Oh, goody. Let me spit on my hands, smooth down my hair, quickly rush through The Life of Brian,and then go have a quiet word in the ear of said Sunbeam for Geez us?. They really need to have a dictionary at hand (and probably a bible, to boot)when they try to stick the Hate Label on Moi.
I am sorry, I realise it is bad manners to play with the food, but I just can help myself.
‘Tis a mild affliction. Maybe I should pray? Bye bye…….
No. This one we will leave alone. I am not vindictive and some folk one must know when to pull back and wish the best for.
Yes I know you are yelling WTF…But I just know..okay?
I wonder what was on God’s mind that caused him to inspire this piece of creative meandering on bestiality?
Maybe this is where Catherine the Great got the idea from to go and try to bonk one of her horses?
God obviously wasn’t concerned about offending those he chose to endow with less than average girth. He should have said something like “Tis not the size of the ark which matterith…”
Well, haven’t they made some childrens versions with pictures in it. :p
At the end of the book it says nothing should be added and nothing removed, but it seems the “faithfull” adherents are both sensoring and adding all the time. Censoring from kids (wich would be a good thing, if they understood not only to censor the “erotic” parts, but also the genosidal parts like the story of Noah) and adding explanations upon apologetics how the book should be read.
Obviously the censoring and apologetics are not divinely inspired, since they are totally contradicting with each other. Oh, wait! The Bible it self is self contradicting, so perhaps the censoring and apologetics are divinely inspired, since this god character in the original book does not seem to be able to decide on what is moral and good, or even much about what might be true.
Well, as all religions are ecclestic in nature (even for the fundamentalists who are just so “mental” they repeatedly choose the violent, mad and abusive parts as their guidelines), you may have your unicorns, even if some other dude did not like them.
Love the post, as I do all of them. I’m a late addition, been catching up a lot. When anyone asks me why I don’t believe in god, I always tell them “I could believe in god if it weren’t for religion.” Too many religions with different ideas for me to believe any of them could be correct. My religion is simply Chaos and Chance. Life’s about improving your odds. Prey to a tree for a new car. I’ll get a job and work for one. Who has the better odds and getting what they want? 🙂
“Life’s about improving your odds”… Perfectly said! Walking my dogs the other day i was dabbling with this very thought. Standing at any moment, anywhere, looking out we’re presented with infinity of possible outcomes. Take on step and infinity is halved. Take a second step in a direction of your choosing then that number of possible outcomes is halved again. Repeat process until goal achieved 🙂
I’ve actually taken this philosophy to heart. I think about any given situation or challenge and ask myself how can I improve my odds? It might be an unorthodox method of motivation, and in the end you can still fail at a 99% positive chance, but overall I think my life is a bit better for it.
I’m envious. Whereas I’m aware of the process i’m far too easily distracted by butterfly’s and shiny objects and typically wind up just forgetting where the hell i was going 😉
Your posts are not coming in my Reader. 😦
I need to know how to change the filtering so I can read things like this (when nobody is looking over my shoulder.)
Oh alright! I think I added you to the email list. Which will be a list of one (1). Are you happy now? It won’t be known until you post your next. Or I remember to open up my email. lol
I might have just deleted you. 😦
Funny how the inerrant word of gawd can be edited, re-edited, cut, flipped, re-arranged, sanitised, bleached, washed-out and repackaged… but still be inerrant.
No, sorry, this was the one I meant.
I was going to write the sentence like this:
…was this THE talking donkey Ezekiel is referring to, then I realised that this sentence would suggest the talking donkey in Numbers reappeared in Ezekiel.
Eventually I realised I was making an ass of the whole thing and figured you are a clever bloke and you would work out what I meant.
thesuperstitiousnakedape.wordpress.com 
You cannot imagine the verses that junior high girls can find to giggle at during sleepovers. Sigh. I realize my pathetic-ness, I do.
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🙂
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There’s a lesson in that somewhere.
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Not a truer thing has ever been said 😉
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Is the expression “Holy Shit!” applicable here?
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I do believe its perfect! 🙂
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John seriously, you are doing well with this short memes.
I really must know my bible
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You know it better than me… I just have a sick mind so it gravitates naturally to the sordid 😉
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Shhh, don’t say that aloud am still not finished reading the horrid book 😀
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Wanna know how it ends? They all live happily ever after! 😉
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The interesting observation is they were candid about issues we hesitate today to whisper. Noted in Kamasutra and many other Vedic scriptures.
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Well, they had to get a readership from somewhere, didn’t they? 😉
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Alas, lack of marketing tools.
On a serious note, the thinking writers under the payroll of itchy preachers wanted to be inclusive and I suppose the perverts made a sizable audience.
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Ah Arjun… It’s well known in marketing circles that perverts are the earliest adopters. Want to know what the first word typed into the first Search engine was?
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Do tell, brother!
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Oh, I don’t know… but I think i can guess.
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I think it was a sum up of their writings.
– pedophiles will hear confessions
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“Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness, with which more than half the bible is filled, it would seem more consistent that we called it the word of a demon than the Word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind.” Thomas Paine
Paraphrasing Nietzsche, just for good measure: One had better put on gloves before handling the bible. The presence of so much filth makes it highly advisable. After coming into contact with religion, I always feel I must wash my hands.
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Bite your tongue, heathen… it’s the inerrant word of god! BTW, your kin sure had quite vivid imaginations 😉
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To you, I might be a heathen. To God, I’m the loyal opposition.
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Loyal opposition, i like that!
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Credit where credit is due: I was paraphrasing Woody Allen.
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Nietzsche’s Antichrist should be read by every religious person. In it he shows how much he loathed christianity.
Ingersoll in his writings at some point asks to be remembered by god that he defended him from blasphemy.
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Geez! To think I wasted my impressionable years sneaking Valley of the Dolls, and The Joy of Sex.
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The Joy of Sex… you mean the one with the pasty pencil drawings? 😉
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That’s the one. Hot stuff to an 11 year old in 1970. 🙂
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A favourite of my parents, I remember…. Nothing is EVER hidden from children 😉
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At least at my house it wasn’t sitting on a shelf next to the bible – after a brief, feeble attempt in Sunday school(from which I was ejected at age 5 for asking too many questions and upsetting the other children)I was schooled in Greek mythology. I’ve never read more than a few pages of the bible which I regret in some ways – as I’m at a complete disadvantage in many discussions. That said, at 53 I’ve managed just fine and honestly don’t think I have the stomach for it.
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You’re not really missing much. Woefully boring, some talking donkeys, a fleet of unicorns, quite a deal of genocide, rape, incest, angel rape, more incest, some slavery, tips on slavery, more genocide, a really nasty mother fucker god who smotes everyone… then Book Two where same nasty mother fucker god has a change of heart and sacrifices himself, to himself, to save humanity from himself…. makes perfect sense.
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Brilliant synopsis, you’ve just saved me heaps of time; not to mention the niggly voice in the back of my head insisting I get around to it. 🙂
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“god has a change of heart and sacrifices himself, to himself, to save humanity from himself” That’s an excellent summary! Do you know, I’ve never thought about it like that? Deary me, it gets worse every day …
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Well, you should tell Mr. Ark that! I made that into a meme and sent it to him weeks ago (he wanted one) and his reaction was, “Eh…I liked the other one better.”
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The Number 1 selling “Family” book of all time.
Morals here.
Get your Morals while they’re hot!
This would make a great video of a family sitting by the fireside, little Elly grooming the family dog while Dad reads a couple of verses for the family before retiring for the night.
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Oh, I have an even better entry for that scene! 🙂
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No limit to the number of videos allowed by youtube.
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Now I see why they made us read it in Greek. 😉
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🙂
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Wow that verse really speaks to me!
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Majestic, isn’t it? 😉
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Ooohhhh…so that’s why there’s a bible in hotel rooms! Incredibly Freudian
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Sex and gore sells…. they had to get their readership somehow, you know 😉
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I must have missed that one in my daily readings . . .
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🙂
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I was looking forward to see your next greatest post.
Well done John, he will be pleased as his puppets dance.
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You’re slipping a little out of character there, Nate.
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Now you are just horsing around with the Bible. You may wake up with a horse head in bed with you if you keep it up. Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.
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Sure I’m messing around (gawd only knows i could do a year of bible memes with the material i have) but that’s exactly what the Christocons do, isn’t it? Bible passage here, bible passage there. Two can play that game 🙂
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John,
You said you wanted a theist to respond to your post. Why’d you pick me????
Response … Ah yes … Well, the little girl is adorable; makes me wonder how many pictures like that you have. No. On second thought, I really don’t want to know.
Seriously, though, my response is pretty much the same as everyone else’s. You’ve seen my blog. You know I suggested that Bibles be stored in fortresses guarded by sharpshooters. Your meme hasn’t caused me to rethink my position.
Of course, I’m worried about far worse things than getting preschoolers fixated on donkey penises. That’s pretty benign, actually. The rampant antisemitism in John’s gospel actually destroys lives — that’s worrisome. The Book of Revelation’s passive acceptance of catastrophe bothers me more than Ezechial’s candor. I kind of agree with shrinksarentcheap. Schoolgirls deserve to have some stuff to giggle about.
That’s my response. I’m as baffled as I am flattered that you sought me out.
Peace,
Paul
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Oh, sorry Paul! I meant the other post, the one before this one.
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Oh goody, I thought it was just me that he didn’t pay attention to.
What was the other meme ,by the way, cos now I’ve got Violet on my bloody case.
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Hehehe… yeah, i told her to have a go at you. The one about: god sacrificed himself, to himself, to save humanity from himself. I used that in a reply somewhere. She liked it.
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Yes, I KNOW this was the one she got on my case about. But I said I liked the other one….what ever that was.
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You’re in trouble. Hey, did you see some Jenness gave you a serving on my blog, you bad, hateful heathen you! 🙂
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Who, what when and where?
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Over on that post where you’re chatting with the Captain. Here, i’ll copy it below:
“Religion” is made up of yes flawed and bad people hence why true Christians align themselves with the redeemer and not a particular sect of faith i.e. Catholic, Lutheran…though many, many true and faithful believers are housed in the church what you have to understand is that their flaws have little to do with our Heavenly Father. And it is only love and a desire for the salvation of human kind that people spread the word of God and try to convert people. Your hatred will turn no one to your side or even bring you respect. Extremism seems to be the problem you have with the Christian faith if you have turned from God (which is obvious in your statements) and you want to live the life you have chosen then do so but don’t seep your hatred onto a community of people who have no hatred in their hearts for you. Being open-minded is a two way street. Grace, understanding and love are what can make the world a better place not hatred.
Jenness
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Oh, goody. Let me spit on my hands, smooth down my hair, quickly rush through The Life of Brian,and then go have a quiet word in the ear of said Sunbeam for Geez us?. They really need to have a dictionary at hand (and probably a bible, to boot)when they try to stick the Hate Label on Moi.
I am sorry, I realise it is bad manners to play with the food, but I just can help myself.
‘Tis a mild affliction. Maybe I should pray? Bye bye…….
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Thought that’d get you excited 🙂
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No. This one we will leave alone. I am not vindictive and some folk one must know when to pull back and wish the best for.
Yes I know you are yelling WTF…But I just know..okay?
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Actually, i liked your response. Brevity is King!
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Sometimes my intuition reins back the tongue and I go reconnoiter the terrain ahead beforehand. This was one of those times.
One must know when to pick one’s battles etc.
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Tis the wisdom of millennia, sensei
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Quite the stomach-churning verse! haha 🙂 You know how to pick them John!
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Just a little Sunday reading for the kiddies!
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Oh my
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Oh dear!
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Well, that settles it. First it was the theme park, next will come the porno. It was a matter of time. Any suggestions for the title?
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Stud… where donkeys talk, unicorns are real, and the faithful cowgirls want to ride!
Well, that was the first idea. There are some terrible rape/snuff video in this series, like Judges 19:22-30
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I wonder what was on God’s mind that caused him to inspire this piece of creative meandering on bestiality?
Maybe this is where Catherine the Great got the idea from to go and try to bonk one of her horses?
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Severe case of blue balls, evidently. This is the inerrant word of gawd, remember.
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Bwahaha, sounds like they were predicting Ron Jeremy.
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More like Peter North
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God obviously wasn’t concerned about offending those he chose to endow with less than average girth. He should have said something like “Tis not the size of the ark which matterith…”
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Ah yes, Deuteronomy 21:13 🙂
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Does the Bible have pictures? 😉
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I wish!!! Imagine Leviticus in pictures! 🙂
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Well, haven’t they made some childrens versions with pictures in it. :p
At the end of the book it says nothing should be added and nothing removed, but it seems the “faithfull” adherents are both sensoring and adding all the time. Censoring from kids (wich would be a good thing, if they understood not only to censor the “erotic” parts, but also the genosidal parts like the story of Noah) and adding explanations upon apologetics how the book should be read.
Obviously the censoring and apologetics are not divinely inspired, since they are totally contradicting with each other. Oh, wait! The Bible it self is self contradicting, so perhaps the censoring and apologetics are divinely inspired, since this god character in the original book does not seem to be able to decide on what is moral and good, or even much about what might be true.
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Someone told me yesterday the Unicorns have been taken out! What a crock… I LOVE unicorns!
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Well, as all religions are ecclestic in nature (even for the fundamentalists who are just so “mental” they repeatedly choose the violent, mad and abusive parts as their guidelines), you may have your unicorns, even if some other dude did not like them.
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Thank you, I shall!
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🙂
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heheheh! :-p lovely example of bible prose!
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Something in it for everyone! 🙂
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Love the post, as I do all of them. I’m a late addition, been catching up a lot. When anyone asks me why I don’t believe in god, I always tell them “I could believe in god if it weren’t for religion.” Too many religions with different ideas for me to believe any of them could be correct. My religion is simply Chaos and Chance. Life’s about improving your odds. Prey to a tree for a new car. I’ll get a job and work for one. Who has the better odds and getting what they want? 🙂
Anyway, I await your next nibble of wisdom.
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“Life’s about improving your odds”… Perfectly said! Walking my dogs the other day i was dabbling with this very thought. Standing at any moment, anywhere, looking out we’re presented with infinity of possible outcomes. Take on step and infinity is halved. Take a second step in a direction of your choosing then that number of possible outcomes is halved again. Repeat process until goal achieved 🙂
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I’ve actually taken this philosophy to heart. I think about any given situation or challenge and ask myself how can I improve my odds? It might be an unorthodox method of motivation, and in the end you can still fail at a 99% positive chance, but overall I think my life is a bit better for it.
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I’m envious. Whereas I’m aware of the process i’m far too easily distracted by butterfly’s and shiny objects and typically wind up just forgetting where the hell i was going 😉
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Hehe, I defiantly have those days quite often myself.
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Your posts are not coming in my Reader. 😦
I need to know how to change the filtering so I can read things like this (when nobody is looking over my shoulder.)
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Whaaaaaat!!??? Don’t you follow me by email? Rectify this problem, and then we can talk.
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You didn’t get the part about nobody looking over your shoulder. 😦
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Oh, i see… you’re embarrassed by me 😦 You don’t want anyone to know we’re friends. I understand, now excuse me while i go and play in traffic…
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Oh alright! I think I added you to the email list. Which will be a list of one (1). Are you happy now? It won’t be known until you post your next. Or I remember to open up my email. lol
I might have just deleted you. 😦
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🙂 Yes, I’m happy now… and lucky for you it was a holiday here the other day so the traffic was lighter than usual.
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Once ya get away from the King James version, the holy scriptures are just loaded with filthy stories about people fornicating.
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Funny how the inerrant word of gawd can be edited, re-edited, cut, flipped, re-arranged, sanitised, bleached, washed-out and repackaged… but still be inerrant.
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I forgot to ask, was this the talking donkey Ezekiel is referring to?
“Why does he always call you donkey, has it got anything to with you speech impediment?”
“No, E..or.. e..or…e..orlways calls me that.”
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There’s another talking donkey!? I’m always referring to the one in Numbers 22:30. Oh, please let there be another one, PLEASE….
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No, sorry, this was the one I meant.
I was going to write the sentence like this:
…was this THE talking donkey Ezekiel is referring to, then I realised that this sentence would suggest the talking donkey in Numbers reappeared in Ezekiel.
Eventually I realised I was making an ass of the whole thing and figured you are a clever bloke and you would work out what I meant.
If not, refer to the opening sentence…
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I could have saved $50 and read about the Donkey and Superman Show instead of seeing it in T.J.? Who knew?!?!
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