It’s just one of those oddities that causes your brain to do little summersaults. Heaven is hotter than Hell. It sounds comical, certainly counterintuitive, but the math just doesn’t lie. Heaven, according to Isaiah 30:26, is where “the light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold as the light of seven days.” Taken as read, Heaven receives from the moon as much radiation as the earth does from the sun, and in addition 49 times more, meaning fifty times in all. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann fourth power law for radiation [(H/E)4 = 50 where E is the absolute temperature of the earth 300°K (273+27)] gives the temperature of H (Heaven) as 525°C. Hell, according to Revelations 21:8 is where the “fearful and unbelieving shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone.” Now here’s the fun part. A lake of molten brimstone (sulfur) means that its temperature must be at or below its boiling point, 444.6°C. Above that point and it’d be a vapor, not a lake. Heaven (525°C) is therefore hotter than Hell (<444.6°C).
It’s the cognitive equivalent of injecting warm chocolate directly into the hypothalamus, and since being published in Applied Optics (August, 1972) has become a favourite of godless (baby-eating) heathen’s eager, as always, to annoy bombastic biblical literalists. What isn’t as well known is that seven years later a convoluted rebuttal was published in the Journal of Irreproducible Results by a rather head-strong Dr. Tim Healey; a man determined to do whatever it took to re-establish the standard arrangement of these post-obituary destinations. His argument, and I’ll lighten the load here, stemmed from errors he saw in the calculation of Hells pressure; errors he stressed which would increase the boiling point of sulfur. Now, most don’t know it but Hell has a GPS location: 31°46′49″N 35°14′24″E / 31.78028°N 35.24000°E, otherwise known as the Jehoshaphat valley; a 7,000,000m2 Iron Age sacrificial pit-come-refuse-dump where sulfurous smelling fires were maintained around the clock to consume it. “Have we any data as to the pressure likely to be found in Hell?” asked Healey in 1979. “The answer is Yes. A 19th century mathematician [Neiht] has already provided the groundwork for us and we may feel confident that by the year 2000 the total number of the damned will be at least 29,422,641,251,519,917,000 souls.” There is a method to this glorious madness which can be perused here, but for our purposes let’s just say Healey went to great lengths to look at the Ideal Gas Equation and how it applied to the finite volume of the Jehoshaphat valley (Gehinnon), the gaseous component of the human body, the dynamics of electromagnetic repulsion, the proposed arrangement of souls in Hell (no more than two layers otherwise those in the middle layers would escape Hells full rigours), and ultimately how it all shifted the phase diagram of sulphur. And here’s his final calculations:
So that, the volume available in Gehenna is 60 x 106 x 2m2 and the original volume of the damned is 0.06 x 29.422641 x 1018m3, then, at constant temperature (which we assume, taking equilibrium) P1V1 = P2V2 or P2 = P1V1/V2 substituting (1) P2 [29 x 6 x 1016] / [2 x 6 x 107] = 14.5 x 109 atmospheres.
Now let us see what pressure is needed to liquefy sulphur vapour at 525°C. We have, using the Clausius-Cleypeyron equation in its integrated form, Log P = 7.43268 – 3268.2/T where P = Pressure in mm Hg and T = the elevated boiling point in °K, so that Log P = 7.43287 – 93268.2/798) = 3.3373813, whence, (2) P = 2174.607 mm Hg = 2.86 atmospheres. (1) is so much greater than (2) that Revelations 21:8 indicates a temperature very considerably higher than 525°C. Thus, Hell is hotter than Heaven.
Now thankfully for me and every other mathematically challenged individual on the planet this labyrinthine mess amounts to absolutely nothing as both calculations are, I’m happy to say, categorically wrong. Heaven and Hell have the same calefaction: 37°C… the temperature of the human brain where both mythological destinations are birthed, lived, and will ultimately cease to exist when the thermometer inside said gullible brain falls to room temperature.
But you missed the point! Christians often argue that if we were to just accept Jesus as … etc., etc. we would live forever. But we are already going to live forever in their scheme of things. The only difference between the afterlifes of Christians and us heathens is … the weather report. (In Hell today we have a high of … etc.)
So, I guess we should credit Christians for granting every one of us an infinite lifetime … of infinte torture: either buring in Hell or listening to hosannas at the feet of God. (Have you heard most people sing? Imagine the screeching. Unbearable.)
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I’ve never thought about it that way. Oh, shit.
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Seems much to do about nothing since the verse you mention has nothing to do about Heaven.
Teacher says the prophecy of chapter 30 is related (as that in the foregoing chapter) to the approaching danger of Jerusalem and desolation’s of Judah by Sennacherib’s invasion. Here is I,
1) A just reproof to those who, in that distress, trusted to the Egyptians for help, and were all in a hurry to fetch succours from Egypt, Isaiah 30:1-7.
2) A terrible threatening against those who slighted the good advice which God by his prophets gave them for the repose of their minds in that distress, assuring them that whatever became of others the judgment would certainly overtake them, Isaiah 30:8-17.
3) A gracious promise to those who trusted in God, that they should not only see through the trouble, but should see happy days after it, times of joy and reformation, plenty of the means of grace, and therewith plenty of outward good things and increasing joys and triumphs (Isaiah 30:18-26), and many of these promises are very applicable to gospel grace.
4) A prophecy of the total rout and ruin of the Assyrian army, which should be an occasion of great joy and an introduction to those happy times, Isaiah 30:27-33.
Teacher says Christians believe the Bible, for just one reason of many, that prophesies are fulfilled.
Woe to the rebellious children, saith the LORD, that take counsel, but not of me and that cover with a covering, but not of my spirit, that they may add sin to sin: Isaiah 30:1
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Stephen you say it so well. I think given most people can’t sing, unless there are choir masters in heaven, the songs will be sickening even to the most patient listener am hoping they will be located a little farther from hell
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If I sang… Yeah. That would be hell.
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Me too
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Haha, maybe you will write the songs then. Either way I would want to be anywhere close!
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🙂
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A choir master in heaven
Oh him you can dismiss
But you will still enjoy a tune
From me … the choir mis-tress
And as for the other place
The one that’s known as hell
No need to fret or worry
I will lead that choir as well
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You will be busy as I see it.
All the best choir mistress
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Where is Hell?
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Inside that hopelessly delusional head of yours?
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you jest at that which you do not understand; you are the naked ape, unable to progress to belief.
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Let me guess… you’re Nathan, right?
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no.
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To burn forever is impossible because matter is consumed; immortality is a gift of God and cannot be a possession of sinners, therefore we cannot burn forever.
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Damn interesting and funny as usual John. This means, hell or heaven, we are still fucked under high temperatures, so why bother anyway going to heaven?
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It’s just one of things theologians WISH no one pays attention to 🙂
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Holy shit. Would I ever like to spend a few minutes in your godless head. I tip my hat to you yet again, 🙂
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It’s a mischievousness playground, second only to a girl called, Notes 😉
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I wish. 🙂
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Stunning! The use of numbers and equations is unparalleled in its beauty. You are clearly doing the inspired work of a deity here.
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You were on my shoulder as i wrote this, Violet. Check out the link, the math will thrill you.
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Let’s not get carried away, I don’t want to give myself a headache. 🙂
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Scientists never settle on any theory permanently; they look for revisions, refutations and objections. Religious institutions are only creations of men and frequently, they mislead. Do your own homework, read your Bible.
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(The following is inspired by David Yerle’s latest post)
I would have been better off picking the scabs off of corpses than reading this ripe bit of devil’s tripe.
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🙂
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JOHN, proving once again that nothing about Christianity adds up.
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Just one big wet blanket 🙂
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I don’t understand any of this. Does this mean I must now be a Christian?
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Well, you’ve passed the entrance exam at least…
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Oh, Joy. I’m in rapture.
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Just be sure to do your rapturing on or near the toilet, OK?
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Will do, thanks.
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Hot chocolate and the Ideal Gas Equation…that’s my idea of heaven. Thanks for posting this! 😉
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It’s always the little things that make life so beautiful, isn’t it 😉
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Jehoshaphat valley? Ok let’s say I accept the premise that this is hell’s location. How, I wonder, did mr. Healy discover its whereabouts? Via science or is he a post-prophet times prophet type? Ie: #wheredotheyfindthesenutjobs
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According to the notes in the paper: The valley of Jehoshaphat is the Gehenna of the Jews (Jehennam in the Koran)–the place of eternal torment. The word is derived from Gehinnom = the valley of Hinnom where sacrifices were offered to Moloch (2 Corinthians 33 6) (= Adremmelech–the God of Sepharvaim). In later times, all manner of refuse was dumped there and fires were constantly maintained to consume it. The sulfurous stench and the fire was the original of the Christian concept of Hell. (The estimate of Nieht of Gehenna’s area 60 × 106 sq. m. is wrong, according to measurements taken on the spot by the Editors).
Of course, it’s total bullshit as everyone knows Hell is in fact Michelle Bachmann’s electoral district 😉
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Sacrifices to pagan gods-> current monotheistic religions.
The usual. As for the Michelle Bachman point. Very valid indeed, I guess I have yet to experience hell, seeing as how I live in Canada and need never interact with people who vote for Bachman.
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And may it stay that way!
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Alas I will most likely move to murrica for grad school because there are no programs in my field in Canada. But I think mental preparation is part of the battle.
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What is your field, Bo-ology? 😉
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Hahah cosmetic chemistry is what I plan to take. Sort of like a pay it forward version of my own obsession with my looks; I can help others too. Hopefully one woman who winds up fretting less about her hair because I helped her out will someday make some important scientific discovery. That’s what I’m banking on.
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I bet you were cruisin’.
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What about thr global warming? It could make Heaven even hotter! And if additional greenhouse gases will make it to heaven too, they will capture the infrared radiation from Heaven’s surface heated by 50x the Solar radiation, so if Earth will warm by 5 degrees, Heaven could well heat up by couple of hundred degrees.
On the other hand, Hell is underground, so global warming will have little impact there.
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Ah ha! Excellent point, X. Looks like someone has to now write the third chapter in this on-going controversy 🙂
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That someone would be you, most likely. I once started writing a post about the Bible, but got bored reading it halfway through Genesis. Your posts are much more entertaining 🙂
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So much wrongness, but I’m sure the fundies can appreciate math like this!
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You see, Shrinks… I said I could prove it!
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I feel so honored that this post is basically dedicated to me. It’s MINE. ; )
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Merry Xmas!
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To paraphrase Mark Twain, I’d like to go back and forth — to Heaven for the nice weather and to Hell for the interesting company.
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Not bad!
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I wonder when The Atheist finally drive home that final stake through the heart of God (which one, pick one), who from the apologetics or none apologetics for that matter is going to invent the next God. Will it be you John? If so I want heaven to be like Aruba in January. The temp there is awesome…Nice read man, nice read…
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I tried inventing a god…. I failed. They’re desperately fragile things to construct.
Aruba in January, sounds nice. Rio de Janeiro is called just that: “River (found) in January.”
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So jealous and temperamental…
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I couldn’t even get to that personality point! I failed to even find a believable locale for my god and had to give up. You try finding a place where a god can live, its incredibly difficult from a cosmological sense.
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Another well done expose of things that followers of the Abrahamic religions have upside down.
Not to worry – it’s the body that has eternal existence. The atoms that make up the body that endure; the mind (commonly known as the soul), which was created by the brain, simply goes away when the brain is dead.
Be that as it may, is it really fair to use arithmetic to discuss religion – there’s not really that much math in the bible, and I’m sure religious folk think ti unfair to use it when discussing these sorts of things.
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Well, its fair game considering the authors got specific and described these places. I’m not making anything up, just adding it up 🙂
Regarding atoms, i do hope one day we discover that minuscule amounts of information can be stored in atoms… tiny fingerprints of all the things it has been.
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I want to go to heaven. At the temperatures recorded for hell which are too cold for me, heaven seems to be the place with BBQ.
And while we are at it, theologians wouldn’t tell their listeners that the heat in heaven will render their eternal existence impossible
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Agreed… I’m guessing they’re just PRAYING no one does the math 🙂
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who will do the math? they are all busy going to heaven how then do you expect them to have time to do the math brother?
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Silly me 🙂
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Oh goodness. I love this.
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Finally!
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But…shouldn’t you also factor in stellar evolution? A star ~50x more luminous than the sun would be somewhere between the size of Vega and the size of Capella, making it either Type A or Type G. If it’s Type A, it’ll have a very different spectrum; if it’s Type G, it’ll be extremely unstable (which would tend to call the whole “eternal life” thing into question).
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Give me your postal address, Whiskey… i’m shipping you an unlimited supply of nitrous oxide 😉
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An UNLIMITED supply??
Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
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Sorry. My humor is generally a little dry. Unlike laughing gas, which is stored as a compressed liquid.
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Is there an Off button?
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Oh, goodness — am I being an annoyance? If so, I must beg forgiveness. This has all been light, humorous, and entertaining.
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🙂
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Yeah, Pizz, I finks you’ve been a real prickster. Rubbing people off in the wrong ways.
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Mye apologieez.
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This totally made my day – you’re brilliant, you know?
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The guys and girls who did the math are the brilliant ones… I just have a nose for the peculiar 😉
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Mmmmmm ….the ultimate hedonistic fantasy of having warm chocolate injected right into the hypothalamus while yelling, “do the math you asshole faitheist”. Thanks for the mathematical proof.
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Oh shit… that’s going to take days to get that image out of my head 🙂
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Love it. Reminded me of this:
http://alwayssassy.tumblr.com/post/497983840/the-best-answer-to-an-exam-question-ever
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Brilliant!
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I’m still trying to figure out how many angels can fit on the head of pin.
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Ahahaaaaaaaa! True
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That’s a lot of math. What I don’t get is this “concentration of souls” thing. Aren’t souls supposed to be ethereal? Can they even have a place? How can a soul, which is immaterial, affect the pressure of anything? Or am I missing some Biblical point?
Also, can souls get sunburned? What would they care about temperature anyway?
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They must feel temperature, the bible uses it as why it’s punishment. Other than that, maybe they don’t feel temp, but the view might be better in heaven, all the sunshine vs. a dark cave. Then again, that sounds like a heck of a lot of sunshine, blindingly so I should think, and the caves of hell would be lit by a nice campfire. Hmm, not seeing the downside to hell really. Just as hot, not as blinding, better singing…
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The assumption is, i guess, that the gaseous component of the human body is the soul. It get’s even weirder when Neiht does the math for how much space each soul needs. Some people, i think, have to much time on their hands.
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One hell of a post 🙂
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Cheers Hansi!
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John, electricity hadn’t been harnessed by humans when Isaiah was written. The metaphor of light on demand must’ve seemed heavenly. I’m more like Albert Brooks in “Defending Your Life.” Just give me food, lotsa food…Leona Helmsley can have the pearl gates and gold streets, and Helen Keller the bright lights. Thanks for an interesting post.
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Glad you liked it! When any religion starts to get specific (like this) they inevitably crumble under the weight of the lies they make up. First rule of religion: DON’T BE SPECIFIC! 🙂
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so, “Love they neighbor” is out… ; ) That one is in all familiar religions, the Abrahamic,(yes, even Islam, Mr. Dawkins) the Buddhist and Hindu mainstreams, etc.
“Let there be light.”
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I don’t need religion to love my neighbour. In fact, by not having any religion i can love everyone… unlike the Christians who’re behaving very badly in the US at the moment.
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Right on. Love of neighbor is a good value and can even be promoted as rational self-interest.
Jesus called certain religious “snakes vipers hypocrites” and as Jewish scripture says, “As it is to this day.” Yeah I’m misquoting out of context lol. “Go thou and do likewise.”
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Yup, Confucius came up with the golden rule, although in all honesty any 5-year old would pretty much nail it if asked “How should people behave?” And you’re right… it is actually quite selfish. No one benefits from chaos so its in our own self-interest to develop and employ stabilising moral/legal codes. It frustrates me to no end to hear theists try and claim without their god there’d be no moral structure. What a load of silly trollop! 🙂
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I’ve lived in a few places. Met a few people. And, in my small sample of life, 99% of my acquaintances were more concerned with what I thought of them than ANYTHING else that pertains to me. And, I always got the sense that I need not tell them that I’d prefer not to be raped, beaten, stolen from or murdered.
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I don’t think 10,000 poets working around the clock for ten years could put it any better than that, Chris.
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I’ve been in New Orleans City jail 3 or 4 times, too 🙂
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I vomited on a policeman in Savannah. He was remarkably relaxed about the whole thing
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You know that phrase, “It’s heaven all the way to heaven, and hell all the way to hell.” It amuses me that people think heaven and hell are destinations outside of their own experience. I got lost in all the numbers at about line 5 of your post, but I’m sure it’s one more example along the lines of “nothing in the Bible is literal,” or should be interpreted that way, except maybe the lineages described in the OT as a foundation. People were paying attention to that sort of thing back then.
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Funny you should say that. Was just reading an article and the takeaway was this line: Rabbi Steven Leder of Wilshire Boulevard Temple argued that “defending a rabbi in the 21st century for saying the Exodus story isn’t factual is like defending him for saying the Earth isn’t flat. It’s neither new nor shocking to most of us that the Earth is round or that the Torah isn’t a history book dictated to Moses by God on Mount Sinai.”
I mean, if rabbi’s understand the OT is poetic gibberish why on earth do evangelical Christians cling to it? Odd.
I just entered your competition! Yay!
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Then again….
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/scientists-reportedly-discover-gate-hell-203918901.html
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Great story! Kernels of truth behind all mythology.
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To MixedupMeme:
That was a nice poem you posted here, meme. I think it was posted at: April 2, 2013 at 11:59 am
I will go back through all the comments here and check to make sure. 🙂
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Nurse!
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Does someone need their temperature taken? Heaven getting a little too warm?
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The ventilation is atrocious!
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Oh dear! Not an appealing place to even visit!
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🙂
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In case your new buddy doesn’t approve my comment:
In case he doesn’t approve it:
“Being able to use the phrase “plurium interrogationum fallacy” instead of something simpler like “trick question” or “complex question” is humorous in and of itself.
So is your calling someone a New Atheist beta chump.
You’ve created quite a novel, narcissistic defense around your 1950′s glass fortress of a point of view.”
Feel free to clear this from your thread after you get it
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Great comment. He’s a livewire oddity.
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He sent you to his “banned” page lol
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Yup! And I see he just cancelled my last comment. Pathetic asshole.
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Also put this on his about page
Have you considered that Dostoekvsy was a REALIST & FICTION writer?
I am not aware of any statement outside a work of fiction which would support that he “firmly believe[d] in the authority and power of the Church and the Holy Mysteries.”
He was a brilliant writer & his work reflects the time & circumstances of his life.
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Whoa. So it won’t matter what I pack. It’s going to be hot either way (if I were to disagree with your final statement). Luckily, I agree with you. I am hoping that either there is a major brain cool-down soon or people wake the hell up. Heaven up? Heaven up sounds like a drink and I happen to have a Hpeech Impediment.
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For that you deserve 20 minutes in the corner of the room… eyes away from the rest of the class. thank you 😉
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Do you have any math to calculate the number of hot, sweaty homosexual men currently in Hell who are writhing and dancing naked to a sultry mambo beat? This is important and it’s going to directly influence the number of impure thoughts I have today, so take your time and let me know if you need my slide rule.
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Just mambo?
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Of course just mambo! It’s Hell…
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Clearly you’ve never heard bad axé
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have you given thought to Noah and the whale yet? :-p
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You’re going to have to refresh my memory here 😦
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This definitely made me smile! Thanks for your intuitive and humorous outlook 🙂
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Oh, I didn’t do the math, just repackaged it 🙂
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I like this so much I’ve posted it on FB, my brother being the science and math nerd will appreciate this. You’re a clever so and so 🙂 There’s always something I’ve missed on your blog, like a little treasure trove of tricks, you never quite know when you’re gonna put your hand in a mouse trap. Guaranteed what ever you pull out of the bag it’ll be entertaining!
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A reading of Isaiah 53:5, foretold centuries before and expressed as if he was seeing the crucifixion of Jesus.
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Hey Bob/Nathan, naughty little monkey… i’m writing a post specifically for you, you special little critter.
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Here to entertain! 🙂
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Apparently so! 🙂
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Burning is a distinctly Earthy activity in which matter is consumed by combustion; the length of that process is confined to the amount of fuel. A fire cannot burn without end. Notions that a human could burn forever are imaginary but consider that combustion destroys forever that which is burned. Without immortality, combustion is temporary but the Bible asserts that immortality will be a gift to the righteous so, death, with it’s slow oxidation by various processes, is permanent, unless the power of God to resurrect life from the death-state is utilized. Therefore, death is the end but the conference of immortality is life-with-end. That is the prize Atheists cannot gain.
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Was this directed at me or just a general reply?
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Bob occasionally escapes the watchful eyes of his nurses and gets onto a computer. They’ll sedate him soon….
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PMSL! (you remember what that means don’t you?)
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Yup
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🙂
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The format of this site is dis-associative.
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A to B man Mr.McKenzie?
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But who said anyone is going to heaven?
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All the Christians on the planet surely?
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Not Jesus. He is the only man and he is to return to Jerusalem in response to Jew’s cries to God which time appears to draw near.
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Nobody ever talks about the second time Jesus died. What happened after the resurrection, or is that the point, he just keeps resurrecting forever more until somebody gets the point of the whole exercise?
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You err, not knowing the scriptures.
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I was never that interested, so why don’t you enlighten me?
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WHY? Pearls before swine.
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Why is it you theists resort to being so bloody rude?! Like a sodding five year old fighting over a goddamn conker! Do you even know what a conker is?
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Never mind all the clever math. What about this simple fact. If we were to move the earth 10,000 miles closer to the sun we would all fry and 10,000 mile away from the sun we would freeze. All your reading can never get around the fact that the earth is perfectly placed to sustain life. The sun is exactly the right size. And don’t get me on to how perfectly sized the moon is, 10% lager and we would be carried away by tsunami every night.
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You are kidding, right?
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Is that your best answer
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Lad, it’s hard to know if you’re being serious or not. If you are then you’re astoundingly stupid.
Over the span of 365 days the earth drifts some 5 million kilometers closer or further from the sun. Or more accurately, between 152 million to 147 million kilometers.
I think you’ll agree, 5,000,000,000km is quite a deal larger than 10,000km.
And the moon is retreating away from us. Slowly, yes, but retreating nonetheless. 75 million years ago it was, in fact, 3,000 kilometres closer to the surface of the earth
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Yes if you believe the earth is millions of years old that’s great. Perhaps we both got our figures wrong there is only is only six zeros on that figur, but so much for your books you googled that. It was the first listing. Either way my millage might be out but the earth gets about 0.3% between the closest and furthest distance from the sun. So if you add the extra three 0’s you put on your figur to the the one I miss typed on mine I’m right about that and the moon.
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Like I said, if you’re being serious, then you’re an idiot.
I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt though and just assume you’re taking the piss.
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Now there a good subject. What evolved first the ability to drink or piss.
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