For some reason this makes me think of immaculate conception. If Jesus existed then his mom would have been motivated to make up a story about how she got pregnant. Or Joseph, maybe, if he was a good guy and didn’t want his friends to judge him for not beating her.
What was it Randall Munroe said? “Really, the comforting side in most conspiracy theory arguments is the one claiming that anyone who’s in power has any plan at all.”
That was great. Now tell the story how Abraham passed his wife Sarah off as his sister so the Pharaoh wouldn’t kill him, allowing the Pharaoh to have his way with his wife. Genesis 12:11-20 Better that she get f—ed than he.
And then I want to hear the one where Lot was so drunk he didn’t even know his own daughters were having their way with him. Having been heavily inebriated myself, I’ve often wondered how the old man was able to even get it up. And then I remember it’s a book of fairy tales.
Thank you for spreading the good word… I think we can all learn from this. I’ll certainly be putting the teachings in to practice when I get home tonight.
I’ve frequently thought about the Mary thing. Anyone with sense knows her son was not the so. Of god and I’ve always thought she must have cheated on Joseph or been raped. I must say her story is fantastic when you think about it, how many people with critical thinking facilities existed in biblical times? Hmm, this girl is pregnant, she says her son is the son of god and she’s still a virgin……naturally it must be true. Who would lie about such a thing?
I can’t imagine the look at my 3-year-old daughter’s face if I try to tell her something like this crap! This story has always boggled me and I never understood people who defended the bible and such horrible immoral stories.
If God is omnipotent omniscient and all this omnicrap, couldn’t he use a better story to strike our morals and give us the message directly to our hearts? Either someone has always to die or something wrong happens like rape, injustice, death, illness, bla bla bla…
I’m terribly confused as to what the message even is with this little tale. The poor woman was thrown out as a sex toy, raped, beaten unconscious, then cut into twelve pieces….
Probably, but they are usually in zoos…
…though there are often stories in summer of people walking their crocodile that freed itself and ran into a lake to terrify the swimmers the next day.
“Okay, listen carefully children. Once upon a time….and after they had sex, God killed EVERYBODY. Mwhahahahahahahah. Now go sleep you little shits or God will get you TOO.” * ##
* Also available as an Audio Book for parents who are tired or who get easily nauseated. Can be sent direct to their kindle. Uncensored. $2,99
## Illustrated version depicting real sex scenes available as Graphic Novel.
Ideal for the whole family. $5.99
Apparently it looks set to be the ‘sleeper’ of the season. Maybe even outselling ”14000 shades of effin’ gray” and Hairy Splotter in: “Buggered if I know if I’m buggered.”
Hilarious! I really need to re-explore the Bible. Obviously I missed out on key parts that explain how the clever stories and guidance in the Bible have helped us build a solid framework of sensible morality. Maybe next time a Christian site suggests that raped women shouldn’t be allowed access to abortion, I’ll suggest we follow the guidance here and cut them up into 12 pieces.
As a kid, my father would read from the bible, just as you present it. I never understood why occasionally he would start reading, stutter, mumble and then skip to safer and well known story of lost sons or something! One day I must read that book from cover to cover – it sounds like a great read! Come to think of it, and VioletWisp will like this, I don’t think Christians actually encourage their kids to read the bible – they are always read to…
Depends on the church. Some like John said, tell the faithful not to bother because they won’t understand it anyway. Others, like most protestant churches, encourage bible reading with the proviso that when a passage is incomprehensible, one should seek the help of an elder/pastor/wiseman to understand it. Dog forbid we should think for ourselves.
The priests in my school (Augustinians) were the best encouragement i had to shed faith. They were so apathetic, so disinterested in promoting religion that jettisoning god was one of the easiest things i ever did. Looking back i honestly think most of them were quiet atheists who remained in the closet only because they’d grown accustomed to the comfortable lifestyle.
lol! I work with the developmentally delayed. We often get books donated to our center. A client handed me a book and asked me to read it…I looked and saw it was a book with biblical stories…(of Mary the “sinner” who didn’t have to get stoned) and others like it…I kept flipping through trying to find one…”appropriate” and finally had to make up my own…acting like i was reading… 😀
I also remember the first time I tried reading through the bible with my daughter, and found…I just…couldn’t do it. I felt horribly guilty at the time that the stories I grew up with felt so….barbaric….I felt…at the time…a failure for christ…
Exactly! Thank you, Shrinks! It was an entirely reasonable response to the silly little thing. In all reality she should be thanking her lucky stars that she was cut into 24 pieces!
Read that part when I was a kid. I always thought it was quite unfair to the girl… but God apparently thought it was a great idea. I hope the Christians don’t get any ideas from this.
How do they let kids read this in the first place?
You spurred me to read commentary on Judges and I found this gem
“We are the homosexual perverts of Gibeah of Benjamin, who are willing to rape a woman to death if we can’t satisfy our utter depravity.
And through it all we see ourselves as God’s elect. We are so very righteous that we really ought to discipline those depraved people of Gibeah, just because we are so much closer to God that we would never do such a dastardly thing as raping a man’s concubine to death. No, we are much too righteous to do such a sinful thing. We might give our wife to a pervert to save our own worthless necks but we are not that sinful woman caught in the very act of adultery. We are not that lowly Publican, prodigal son, or woman at the well with five husbands and now living with a man who is not her husband. We see ourselves as above all of that. But the fact of the matter is we are all of those sinning people at one time or another in our lives before Christ starts living in us.”
Kinda makes one wonder if all those millions of religious folk have ever actually read their handbook, doesn’t it?
FYI: I have read it, the KJV, cover to cover, twice – and parts of it several times – trying to figure out how in the world so many people could actually believe the (mostly) nonsense contained therein.
What a waste of time that was!
Many years ago, I gave up trying to understand ’em, and just figured out how to live among ’em and enjoy life as much as possible.
Not such a bad policy. If only the evangelicals would reciprocate. Sadly they don’t quite seem to understand the meaning of the words, Secular Society.
Speaking of immaculate conception, you should google Dede Haislip. She claims to be pregnant with a miracle child (going on 11 months now). People tell her it’s a tumor and beg her to see a doctor, but she’s not having any of that nonsense. Oh BTW, her husband has been cured of homosexuality. Like so many other people in the interwebz, she is either a brilliant troll, or the reason humanity occasionally Darwins itself out of the gene pool by refusing evil sciencey vaccinations.
Keep it short and sweet, and tell it like it is. No need to write bloody great long books about it. I also agree with your observation that people really aren’t that clever on the whole and it shows doesn’t it? I have read excerpts from the bible (yes even me, having been staunchly against religion since birth), and to be honest read with an iota of intelligence quite a bit of it is quite sound. It’s understandable in that regard how much of it can be misinterpreted by those who are not so well engaged with their little grey cells. There is also a heck of a lot of crap in this book, and having been fiddled about with by so many through the centuries in order to bend others to their will, well what hope in holy hell does anyone have of getting anything out of it. I shall stick with my copy of ‘The Cat in the Hat’ thanks, signed by yours truly Mr.S.N.Ape 🙂
Fucking riz-au-lait!!! I am truly dumbstruck. I wonder if I can’t book him to do my eulogy at my funeral! Did he even know where he was going with all of that I wonder? I bet he used to sell vacuum cleaners door-to-door before he became a preacher!
Actually we could do with more innovators like him the world. People that can stand up, piss against the wall, resurrect a bit of the Anglo-Saxon parlance and say “fuck you God!”.
I can understand why so many people put a LIKE to this one. Or maybe it was supposed to mean DISLIKE.
I like fairly stories and had many books of them. Read them over and over. But I knew they were fairy stories. I was taught they were fairy stories. I knew the ogre would be defeated over and over again. It was a matter of right from wrong. Even the mythological gods (not the true god) would often get a comeuppance.
But I read from the Big Book of Bible Stories to my own kids. Fortunately not too much. But I know it was enough. 😦
No moral of the story to this post. Son soon to marry a RC. Praying there are no little Meme babies. But if there are, I will willingly read the best stories from the BB of BS.
thesuperstitiousnakedape.wordpress.com 
For some reason this makes me think of immaculate conception. If Jesus existed then his mom would have been motivated to make up a story about how she got pregnant. Or Joseph, maybe, if he was a good guy and didn’t want his friends to judge him for not beating her.
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Well, unless Jesus was a identical clone of Mary (and therefore a female) Joseph should have been mighty pissed. No Joseph = no Y chromosome.
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Yes, but she could have been raped.
Boy, this is fun with my coffee.
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She was raped…. By her own unborn son!
Gawd its an odd story!!!
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omg when this picture came onto my reader, I was like, wtf?! haha! But yeh, translation is worthy of a ‘wowser’
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Pink is so sweet 🙂
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“Warning: describes atrocities not suitable for children.”
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My personal favourite:
“Happy is the one who takes your babies and smashes them against the rocks!” (Psalms 137:9)
Such kindness in this book!
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Reads like most history books, I’m afraid.
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History with a twist
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What twist is that? Hope? Redemption? Redeeming qualities?
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Those three qualities are not “history”… they’re desires manifest in every population to have ever risen.
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Hence the “twist”.
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Bingo
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What was it Randall Munroe said? “Really, the comforting side in most conspiracy theory arguments is the one claiming that anyone who’s in power has any plan at all.”
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Spot on… we humans just aren’t smart enough to keep something elaborate going.
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Nope.
Speaking of agent causes, did you see my post late last night? Love to get your reaction.
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No i didn’t, but i should have. The email alert thing failed! I’ll go check it out now.
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That was great. Now tell the story how Abraham passed his wife Sarah off as his sister so the Pharaoh wouldn’t kill him, allowing the Pharaoh to have his way with his wife. Genesis 12:11-20 Better that she get f—ed than he.
And then I want to hear the one where Lot was so drunk he didn’t even know his own daughters were having their way with him. Having been heavily inebriated myself, I’ve often wondered how the old man was able to even get it up. And then I remember it’s a book of fairy tales.
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There’s some real gems in there. Lot’s story screwing his daughters is disturbingly hilarious, a real Sunday School number, me thinks 😉
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exactly-my first thought was, “recycled lot, no homo.”
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Hey, that’s not fair! I mean using their own words against them. How low can you go?
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I’m sorry, father, i don’t know what got into me 😦
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Thank you for spreading the good word… I think we can all learn from this. I’ll certainly be putting the teachings in to practice when I get home tonight.
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Playing the role of the drunken gang, the old man with the virgin daughter, or the psychopathic Jack the Ripper?
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Hmm, I was going to take either the Ripper or the Virgin role. I’ll toss a coin.
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I’ve frequently thought about the Mary thing. Anyone with sense knows her son was not the so. Of god and I’ve always thought she must have cheated on Joseph or been raped. I must say her story is fantastic when you think about it, how many people with critical thinking facilities existed in biblical times? Hmm, this girl is pregnant, she says her son is the son of god and she’s still a virgin……naturally it must be true. Who would lie about such a thing?
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Speaks more to the imaginations of the men who dreamed the story up in the first place!
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I am tempted to get pregnant and pretend its a second immaculate conception (and coming of Christ) just to see how many people would believe me.
Fun game?
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Oh would you, PLEASE!!!!! I’ll be your publicist! This would be soooo much fun!!!
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Ok you start writing a new bible (feel free to take some creative liberties to serve your own purposes) and ill get to conceiving.
Aaaaaand break!
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I can’t imagine the look at my 3-year-old daughter’s face if I try to tell her something like this crap! This story has always boggled me and I never understood people who defended the bible and such horrible immoral stories.
If God is omnipotent omniscient and all this omnicrap, couldn’t he use a better story to strike our morals and give us the message directly to our hearts? Either someone has always to die or something wrong happens like rape, injustice, death, illness, bla bla bla…
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I’m terribly confused as to what the message even is with this little tale. The poor woman was thrown out as a sex toy, raped, beaten unconscious, then cut into twelve pieces….
Errrrrrr, what did she do to deserve that?
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The message is that people can be awful, horrible, and cruel.
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…yes, that’s the stuff every child’s nightmares are made of.
(Well, mine were bible stories for children and crocodiles 🙂 )
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Many crocodiles where you are?
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Probably, but they are usually in zoos…
…though there are often stories in summer of people walking their crocodile that freed itself and ran into a lake to terrify the swimmers the next day.
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“Okay, listen carefully children. Once upon a time….and after they had sex, God killed EVERYBODY. Mwhahahahahahahah. Now go sleep you little shits or God will get you TOO.” * ##
* Also available as an Audio Book for parents who are tired or who get easily nauseated. Can be sent direct to their kindle. Uncensored. $2,99
## Illustrated version depicting real sex scenes available as Graphic Novel.
Ideal for the whole family. $5.99
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With a bonus CD containing hours of previously unseen footage of Lot fucking his daughters! 🙂
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Apparently it looks set to be the ‘sleeper’ of the season. Maybe even outselling ”14000 shades of effin’ gray” and Hairy Splotter in: “Buggered if I know if I’m buggered.”
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Hilarious! I really need to re-explore the Bible. Obviously I missed out on key parts that explain how the clever stories and guidance in the Bible have helped us build a solid framework of sensible morality. Maybe next time a Christian site suggests that raped women shouldn’t be allowed access to abortion, I’ll suggest we follow the guidance here and cut them up into 12 pieces.
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Why do i think i know precisely where you’re going to use this 😉
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As a kid, my father would read from the bible, just as you present it. I never understood why occasionally he would start reading, stutter, mumble and then skip to safer and well known story of lost sons or something! One day I must read that book from cover to cover – it sounds like a great read! Come to think of it, and VioletWisp will like this, I don’t think Christians actually encourage their kids to read the bible – they are always read to…
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I went to a Catholic school and we were pretty much told to just ignore the Old Testament. Only later in life did i see why 🙂
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Depends on the church. Some like John said, tell the faithful not to bother because they won’t understand it anyway. Others, like most protestant churches, encourage bible reading with the proviso that when a passage is incomprehensible, one should seek the help of an elder/pastor/wiseman to understand it. Dog forbid we should think for ourselves.
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The priests in my school (Augustinians) were the best encouragement i had to shed faith. They were so apathetic, so disinterested in promoting religion that jettisoning god was one of the easiest things i ever did. Looking back i honestly think most of them were quiet atheists who remained in the closet only because they’d grown accustomed to the comfortable lifestyle.
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Makes sense. I knew some Jesuits who were like your Augustinians.
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I liked our priests. They were funny 🙂
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Bet they were. A sense of humour is a prereq when dealing with young people. 🙂
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…And everyone lived happily ever after. The End.
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A’hem…
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lol! I work with the developmentally delayed. We often get books donated to our center. A client handed me a book and asked me to read it…I looked and saw it was a book with biblical stories…(of Mary the “sinner” who didn’t have to get stoned) and others like it…I kept flipping through trying to find one…”appropriate” and finally had to make up my own…acting like i was reading… 😀
I also remember the first time I tried reading through the bible with my daughter, and found…I just…couldn’t do it. I felt horribly guilty at the time that the stories I grew up with felt so….barbaric….I felt…at the time…a failure for christ…
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The “developmentally delayed”… does that mean Argentina? 🙂
The OT is a crazy collection of stories which really shouldn’t be in the hands of anyone outside the Jewish people.
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I don’t get it, what’s wrong with that?
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Exactly! Thank you, Shrinks! It was an entirely reasonable response to the silly little thing. In all reality she should be thanking her lucky stars that she was cut into 24 pieces!
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I’m sure she was asking for it, I mean, that’s what us feminine types do. Besides, they were just expressing their virile manhood.
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How provocative was she, sleeping!!! She was just asking for it 😉
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And you know, it wasn’t Hannibal’s fault, either. I mean, they wanted to do HOMOSEXUAL shit. He had to throw them a woman so they wouldn’t be sinning.
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Thoughtful chap, should be commended for his actions
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I feel so gratified knowing that I’ve cleared this up for you.
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Well, what else would one expect from Batman, Batman?
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Darkness, drama, and puns! I’m sure we can find a pun in here somewhere. Holy hacked-up concubines, Batman!
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Holy bleeding-out, Batman, that’s a fine looking donkey!
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That just filled me with holy laughter!
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You’re back on the ectoplasm thing, i see 😉
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Back? 😉
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Read that part when I was a kid. I always thought it was quite unfair to the girl… but God apparently thought it was a great idea. I hope the Christians don’t get any ideas from this.
How do they let kids read this in the first place?
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The way Republicans are going in the US, cutting girls up into 12 pieces for being raped seems like logical legislation.
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You spurred me to read commentary on Judges and I found this gem
“We are the homosexual perverts of Gibeah of Benjamin, who are willing to rape a woman to death if we can’t satisfy our utter depravity.
And through it all we see ourselves as God’s elect. We are so very righteous that we really ought to discipline those depraved people of Gibeah, just because we are so much closer to God that we would never do such a dastardly thing as raping a man’s concubine to death. No, we are much too righteous to do such a sinful thing. We might give our wife to a pervert to save our own worthless necks but we are not that sinful woman caught in the very act of adultery. We are not that lowly Publican, prodigal son, or woman at the well with five husbands and now living with a man who is not her husband. We see ourselves as above all of that. But the fact of the matter is we are all of those sinning people at one time or another in our lives before Christ starts living in us.”
Yowza.
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Holy crap 😦
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You summed it up in two words. Nice. 🙂
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Kinda makes one wonder if all those millions of religious folk have ever actually read their handbook, doesn’t it?
FYI: I have read it, the KJV, cover to cover, twice – and parts of it several times – trying to figure out how in the world so many people could actually believe the (mostly) nonsense contained therein.
What a waste of time that was!
Many years ago, I gave up trying to understand ’em, and just figured out how to live among ’em and enjoy life as much as possible.
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Not such a bad policy. If only the evangelicals would reciprocate. Sadly they don’t quite seem to understand the meaning of the words, Secular Society.
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Speaking of immaculate conception, you should google Dede Haislip. She claims to be pregnant with a miracle child (going on 11 months now). People tell her it’s a tumor and beg her to see a doctor, but she’s not having any of that nonsense. Oh BTW, her husband has been cured of homosexuality. Like so many other people in the interwebz, she is either a brilliant troll, or the reason humanity occasionally Darwins itself out of the gene pool by refusing evil sciencey vaccinations.
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Hehehe… I’d like to think option 1 were true and people were honestly clever, but sadly option 2 is probably closer to the truth.
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Ha, I get it Jesus was a tumor! It all makes sense now.
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That’s not such a bad analogy considering the mess Christendom has caused!
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Keep it short and sweet, and tell it like it is. No need to write bloody great long books about it. I also agree with your observation that people really aren’t that clever on the whole and it shows doesn’t it? I have read excerpts from the bible (yes even me, having been staunchly against religion since birth), and to be honest read with an iota of intelligence quite a bit of it is quite sound. It’s understandable in that regard how much of it can be misinterpreted by those who are not so well engaged with their little grey cells. There is also a heck of a lot of crap in this book, and having been fiddled about with by so many through the centuries in order to bend others to their will, well what hope in holy hell does anyone have of getting anything out of it. I shall stick with my copy of ‘The Cat in the Hat’ thanks, signed by yours truly Mr.S.N.Ape 🙂
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🙂
Speaking of terrible bible interpretations i saw this video yesterday on another blog: Jesus’ Nightmare, aptly titled “Worse Sermon Ever!”
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Fucking riz-au-lait!!! I am truly dumbstruck. I wonder if I can’t book him to do my eulogy at my funeral! Did he even know where he was going with all of that I wonder? I bet he used to sell vacuum cleaners door-to-door before he became a preacher!
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You just made me spit coffee over my keyboard pissing myself laughing! 🙂
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Actually we could do with more innovators like him the world. People that can stand up, piss against the wall, resurrect a bit of the Anglo-Saxon parlance and say “fuck you God!”.
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🙂 A country… No, a continent should be yours to rule over!
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I am not worthy of your praise, although I will accept the continent. Maybe Mu or Pangea, or just the US 😉
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haha, “Momma, read it again! I love the one with the rape and the twelve pieces!”
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“Ok, just once more, then off to bed… or else Satan will come and tear you a new asshole!”
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I can understand why so many people put a LIKE to this one. Or maybe it was supposed to mean DISLIKE.
I like fairly stories and had many books of them. Read them over and over. But I knew they were fairy stories. I was taught they were fairy stories. I knew the ogre would be defeated over and over again. It was a matter of right from wrong. Even the mythological gods (not the true god) would often get a comeuppance.
But I read from the Big Book of Bible Stories to my own kids. Fortunately not too much. But I know it was enough. 😦
No moral of the story to this post. Son soon to marry a RC. Praying there are no little Meme babies. But if there are, I will willingly read the best stories from the BB of BS.
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Read from Psalms 137:9…. “Happy is the one who takes your babies and smashes them against the rocks!”
That’s a great one for the kiddies!
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