Sketches on Atheism

You’re just too damn handsome… Now kindly fuck off!

Posted on by 99 Comments

It takes a very special kind of crazy to inspire me to do a rubber-hits-the-road Newser post; the type of crazy that out-crazy’s even the extraordinary crazy practiced by young earth Christian creationists. I’m talking here about that rarefied brand of crazy that leaves Ken Ham looking like the reasonable one standing at the Bonkers $1 Buffet and would (if he existed) freak the bejeebers out of Beelzebub. It’s that unusual cut of crazy that makes William Lane Craig sound almost sensible, Glenn Beck halfway rational and, conversely, precisely what makes Ren & Stimpy cartoons so mind-bendingly brilliant. Although happy to take daytrips (just to disrupt the workings of the rational universe) such eyeball-popping crazy has but one permanent 21st century home, Islam, and driving the triple-decker silly car inside that five ringed circus of buffoonery are the uncut assclowns of the Islamic Department of Crazy; otherwise known as The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vices. Here that very special kind of crazy feels perfectly at ease and earlier this week its religious storm troopers, the mutaween, thundered into the Jenadrivah Heritage & Cultural Festival (Riyhad) ready to demonstrate just how expert they are in practicing this particular pedigree of gold-plated religious madness.

Arab BeautyThe mutaween’s targets were men, three of them to be exact; delegates representing the UAE whose heinous crime was, we hear, being too damn handsome. That’s right: they had looks that could kill! According to the Elaph newspaper the Saudi religious police “feared female visitors could fall for them,” and that type of loosed sandblasted majesty called for the kind of action only the proud agents of the Islamic Department of Crazy could possibly pull off. Lives, after all, were surely going to be lost if this evil was left unchecked. Something had to be done, and done quickly. The devilishly dreamy men were pounced upon with a subtlety only true crazy knows, arrested, dragged from the pavilion and bundled aboard a plane never to soil Saudi sands again with their Hell-borne chiselled features.

Cataclysm averted… and I really have nothing further to add to this story except to give it up to Islam: that place where undocked crazy hangs it hat.

99 thoughts on “You’re just too damn handsome… Now kindly fuck off!”

  1. You, are the king of rants! Your eloquence leaves me in tears, speechless, wishing I could catalog, organize, tab but mostly remember at the right time all the stuff you come up with.
    That said. Great post. I gave up looking for rationality in any religion, least of all Islam.

    Like

    Reply

  4. I guess it is reassuring that I could travel there with impunity! Impunity, I say, in that no one would ever accuse me of making women swoon.

    This is an amazing turnaround and I suspect proves that there are gay Muslims. In their world women are the awful temptresses. Women must cover themselves, otherwise they will drive weak males wild with desire. Obviously said officials are gay in that they admit that men exist who can drive women wild, so they were hustled off . . . to whose tent we don’t know.

    Like

    Reply

    • Steve, you wouldn’t even be granted a visa in the first place. The Islamic Department of Crazy has agents all over the world and your application would fall immediately into the “Cosmologically Handsome… Application Denied” bin, never to be seen again.

      And yes, its quite clear the fine, robust agents of The Islamic Department of Crazy have some serious sexual diversions on their minds.

      Like

      Reply

  5. Too much Western infidel imagery for the Wahhabist element in Saudi society I suspect. They are the Islamic equivalent of right-wing extremist in this country who want to “take our country back” to 18th century colonial America.

    I’d like to put the two extremists in an isolated part of the world and let them fight it out to the last man, then nuke what remains and quarantine that area for another century.

    Oooh! That was sounding pretty belligerent of me. It must be the great satan possessing me.

    Like

    Reply

  6. I don’t see what’s the big deal is – just have all men wear a burqa like women do already, and no one will get hurt by ther handsomeness.
    I’m sorry, was this too rational?

    Like

    Reply

  8. Bat shit fucking crazy! Crazy enough to make even crazy laugh and shout Whoa! On second thought – crazy is in the eye of the beholder – who are we to judge? We fall on bended knees to kiss the papal ring, shrug our shoulders as Arizona declares life starts before conception, and knowingly give Scientology the time of day – just as bat shit fucking crazy. 🙂

    Like

    Reply

  10. Nice piece John. 🙂

    The over-fermented, wild eyed inanity of religion has been proven, yet again, to be a cross cultural phenomenon.

    And atheists get the stink-eye for suggesting we just bin the whole thing and embrace empirical reality. *sigh*

    Like

    Reply

      • so what if it was on Time and Arabian Business ?
        doesn’t mean anything. there are a lot of fake news about KSA that has been spread and believed by idiots like you, dickhead. I’m not trying to do anything with you here and I’m not interested in reading more of your shit.
        the responsible for Janadriah is the National Guard. led by Prince Mtab bin (king) Abdullah there is no authority for the commission for the promotion of virtue and prevention in there.
        If you are honest, give us the official statement, you will never do that because there is no official statement for something never happened.
        next time, use your words carefully or I will come down to your level.

        Like

      • So what? Are you seriously trying to imply Time didn’t fact-check the story? Are you trying to imply that nearly 40 other News organisations (yes, I just looked it up) also didn’t fact-check? You, sir, are truly retarded. I’m guessing you work for the Saudi government, right? Trying to stop the bleed and do some serious damage control, am I correct? Well, you failed pretty miserably as it’s quite easy to see right through you.

        Or perhaps you work for Grand Mufti Sheikh Ibn Baaz, another of your Islamic Saudi geniuses, who thinks the earth is flat. Do you?

        Word of advice, quit the Islamic Crazy and you might not have to spend so much time trying to defend it.

        Like

      • boy, the numbers argument I didn’t hear that shit for a while!
        Numbers do not matter when it come to the credibility of the news. just because there are 1,57 b Muslims in the world that doesn’t make it the true religion or, just because most of the world’s population believe in myths that does not make them true nor real. bring me the official statement.

        I do not work with the Saudi government (and if I do, what’s your problem with that?) nor Interested in defend that blind idiot called Grand Mufti or his followers for that matter.

        now sir, the problem with people like you is selectivity. you select the Grand Mufti over the astronaut Prince Sultan. you select Islamists idiots over our students at Harvard, Yale ,Princeton , Stanford, Columbia , Chicago , Johns Hopkins, MIT , Duke among other 500 universities around the world.

        Imagine if I did the same thing (selectivity) about your country , what that would look like? very very very ugly for sure. you want to criticize my country, fine, do that . but at least have enough decently to criticize what is real and not media making-up news…

        Ali

        Like

      • Am i supposed to be impressed there are a few wealthy Muslim students at Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Stanford, Columbia, Chicago, Johns Hopkins, MIT, Duke?

        Funny how there isn’t a reputable University inside the entire Islamic world from which you can be proud of. Why is that?

        Again, a simple word of advice: if you don’t want to spend so much time defending the crazy which your religion has become so well known for then try and loose the crazy. It’s really that simple.

        Like

      • buhahaha i’m talking about Saudis whether they are Muslims or Christians or atheists., not Muslims you idiot. it’s not just a few wealthy saudis it’s Scholarship program which includes a goal of 500 thousand Saudi to study in the best universities in the world. and yes we saudi have some universities in the top 500 universities in the world and this doesn’t include King Abdullah University of Science and Technology or king abdulaziz city for science and technology nor other research centers (like saudi nano-center) and yes we are moving forward (scientifically and economically, industrially and culturally) in the stability of our nation.

        I’m not defending the Islamists. i’m just asking you to bring me the official statement or you are just a liar and this is just an other yellow blog.

        unlike you, I don’t find my pride in the work of others whether it’s university or something else (anything collective). I find my pride in myself, in what I achieved in life, so far. which is something losers like you will never feel it.

        use your words carefully with me or I will come down to your level, again.

        Like

      • Use my words carefully? Harden up, princess.

        Now, to be fair I was trying to keep it to religion (as my blog is focused on that subject) and not belittle your country as a whole, so it appears you’re the rather sensitive dick here. If I’d wanted to focus on Saudi Arabia I would have written a piece on how Saudi men are so terrified of women. I didn’t, however, do that, did I?

        So, you have good uni’s, huh? Odd that a moment you ago you didn’t think them worthy of mentioning.

        Like

  15. You picked a real doozy here John, well done for giving that cage a good rattle! Very entertaining as usual. The guy in the pic is definitely gay, and he’s wearing make-up – tranny-esque if you ask me, and I’ve known a few (particularly of the Israeli-jewish kind). Oops shit! Did I just place both of these religious sub-cultures in the same paragraph? Yes I did. Gay is gay. Better out than in I say (read that as you will!) 🙂

    Like

    Reply

  16. Funny story. Wether it actually happened, or not, it is exactly how the religious mind seems to work and what the religious crazy would do, and have done unless the overall secular societies keep them in check. Wether in Saudi-Arabia, US, or anywhere else in the world. Because religion is everywhere and it basicly is just compilations of arbitrary “moral” commands and demands, that mostly men wearing skirts, can come up with.

    Like

    Reply

    • I’ve been back checking since my new friend, Ali, raised his objection and it most definitely did take place. My friends at the NYT’s have the story but decided not to run it this week as the side story as to why the religious police were so on-edge was more to do with a woman at the UAE pavilion and not necessarily the men’s ungodly good looks. i guess he’s just embarrassed by it. I can’t blame him, i’d be embarrassed, too.

      Yes, if religion were open-minded and tolerant the surface of the earth would look an awful lot different, my friend. Still, they execute atheists and apostates in Saudi Arabia so it’s not exactly a happy-happy joy-joy sandpit.

      Like

      Reply

      • Yes, in Saudi-Arabia the biggest ally and customer of the US in the Near-East (in reality they are even more important in both of those aspects to the US, than the Israel, wich is important for US domestic politics, but a difficult and hard headed companion in real life).

        I can sympathise with Ali to the extent, that he might have thought, that this is too crazy to really have taken place. I (as a skeptic) had my doubts. But when we look at history, this is actually rather mild in comparrison to the executions of the infidels and skeptics all the Abrahamic religions are quilty of.

        I still do not really think this leaves Ken Ham, Glen Beck, or William Lane Graig looking like the reasonable ones, because they are people trying to influence a nation with an anti-intellectual message, when they should know better. They have had the better information at their disposal from their childhood, but instead of learning to understand it, they have created careers, trying to fight it. I can not make the claim, that if they had as much power, as the mutaween, they would act as silly. However, it is not their religion stopping them. Christianity has presented equally batshit crazy ideals as the Islam during history.

        I am not trying to absolve the Saudis, but just trying to point out, that any religion, even Buddhism, may become a tool in the hands of the batshit crazy, for the majority of any given population to accept mad demands as divine commands. No god ever gave revelations about such madness to tell people do not believe just anything and good willing, god fearing people support such unintelligently. Perhaps it is because these gods are too busy healing the prostate of this dude, and the athletes foot of the other and giving revelations of their existance to people most other people would think were having these visions because they are simply bonkers… Or something.

        Like

      • There is truth in them words, Raut. I’d never give the likes of Glenn Beck a pass, but mentioning them served my comic purposes. This was a comedy piece, not a hard news number.

        When are we going to see the next Rautakyy post?

        Like

      • Yes, yes, I think I got the humour of it as I did laughed out loud at it. 🙂 I am just such a simpleton, I have to reason everything. Even jokes. And best jokes (like this one) and humour are indeed about real and often painfull stuff.

        Soon, soon. I will make a new post. But as I told you I am lazy about my blog.

        Like

      • Thank you very much. I have been thinking of doing something completely different from religion once again. But it is a subject, that has gotten on my nerves, of lately.

        Like

  18. That’s ingenious! If we lock up, or hey, better idea, disfigure, the gorgeous looking, the less fortunate, otherwise known as ‘average’, can rule the world & won’t be misguided by these sultry demons.

    Like

    Reply

  19. “The Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vices”. Whoa….Big Brother exists! This is just too Orwellian for me to handle.

    Like

    Reply

  21. Pingback: Readership Award | CombatBabe

  24. I thought i would comment here,rather.
    You can possibly understand why I said what i did on the other thread.
    I can’t honestly see him backing down, merely not responding, eventually.
    But I am following with acute interest I must tell you.
    If you put down this twit…then it will be worth waiting for.

    Like

    Reply

  25. When I was younger and a bit feral, for want of a better word, I’ve been thrown out of a few places: pubs, clubs, parties, football grounds, even St Paul’s Cathedral, but I’ve never been kicked out for being too good-looking. Is this because I am visiting the wrong places or I am in fact an ugly bastard? My self-esteem has hit rock bottom after reading this

    Like

    Reply

  27. well, I find the link in my DM, so, i’m back here to correct you once again. it was a storm in a teacup; the guy himself denied that this is happened (here: http://www.almowaten.net/?p=40608) he said that he was surprised to hear the news when he arrived to Canada. he didn’t deny it at the time, because it helped him to gain more fame (maybe this is the same reason for you to posted false news like this?) and also gifts. from the comments you will find the “eww, he is NOT beautiful”.

    Again, I hope you learn how to respect others , at least by not posting lies about them.

    Like

    Reply

Leave a comment