Christians have been waiting for this moment for a painfully long, long time. It is the stuff of theistic dreams, the one thing above all other things longed for most by priest, preacher, apologist and layman alike, and now that it’s almost here, I can predict with enormous certainty that when the world learns of this stunning event every human being from now until eternity will proudly and enthusiastically call themselves, (Creationist) Christians. It sounds deliciously wondrous because it is, and it’s summed up in eleven stunning words: the end of faith, and the start of evidence-based belief. This news is so monumental, so massively earth-shattering it demands repeating: THE END OF FAITH, AND THE START OF EVIDENCE-BASED BELIEF, because coming soon, as early as next week in fact, irrefutable physical proof for the existence of the Middle Eastern god Christians worship will be delivered by the online miracle working phenomenon: William (Bill) Herbert Keller.
Now until recently Keller has been your common southern American right wing evangelical charlatan. A criminal (massive Securities and Exchange fraud) who fled from authorities the moment he knew he’d been uncovered, was caught, served time in a federal prison (Saufley Field), earned a B.S. in biblical studies from Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University whilst removed from society, founded the tax free Bill Keller Ministries, went online, and started legally thieving from the hopelessly gullible and superstitious with scams like Gold for Souls.
It turns out, however, that these naive victims devout folk handing over their money to fund Keller’s “online ministry” might have in fact been uncommonly intuitive, seeing in this digitised evangelical prophet and late-night Floridian TV host the makings of the greatest Christian who ever lived; the man who historians would record as not only proving the existence of their god, God, but also single-handedly annihilating the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIS).
Yes, that ISIS.
You see, a few weeks ago William (Bill) Herbert Keller issued a stupendously bold challenge, courageously daring the leader of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, to join him in the altar challenge laid out in the 18th chapter of the Book of 1 Kings. You can see his video challenge here.
“It is time someone is calling these evil tools of Satan out, instead of cowering in the tent as the army of Israel did when taunted by Goliath.”
The challenge, as specified in scripture, is quite simple: two altars are erected, one to Baal, and the other to Elijah’s god. Prayers are launched into the sky and then it becomes a matter of which god proves its existence by incinerating the altars.
“I will come to Iraq, Syria, any location you [Mr. al-Baghdadi] desire. We will each take an unblemished animal, cut that animal into pieces, put those pieces on wood, but not set fire to the wood. Once prepared, you have one hour’s time to call on Allah to rain down fire on your offering. If at the end of that hour Allah has still not answered your pleas, I will call upon the one true God of the Bible … not just to bring down fire on my offering, but yours as well.”
Great stuff, right? The words of a man who’s certain. And here are the stakes Keller lays out for the miserable, Satan-loving al-Baghdadi:
“If your god Allah does not answer you … you will resign as the leader of ISIS. You will retire from your life of terror. You will encourage your followers to live in peace and I will be free to return to the United States. If your god Allah answers your pleas by fire [and] my God does not, I will renounce the Christian faith, and you’re free to kill me or do whatever you like.”
Awesome! Keller’s claim is there in black, white, and pixilated full-colour, and I believe we should all (hopeless Heathen and devout Christian, virgin-hungry Muslim and pious Sikh, happy Hindu and thoughtful Jane, spunky Zoroastrian and fire-loving Yazidi , fervent Mithraist and crazy Scientologist alike) get behind this evangelical and help him physically prove his god, like he says he can and will. To lend our support I urge you to join me in writing a letter to the editor of Keller’s local newspapers (the St Petersburg Tribune and the Tampa Bay Times, as well as the New York Times), urging them to gather behind Keller and deploy their enormous investigative powers to find al-Baghdadi and present him with the challenge. You can send your letters directly via these links.
Now, failing Keller actually travelling to Syria to perform this winner-take-all god showdown with al-Baghdadi, the always excellent Paladin of Pennsylvania, Club Schadenfreude, has graciously and selflessly offered herself up to stand in the ISIS leaders place so Keller can demonstrate to all the world the power of his particular Middle Eastern god. Club has already contacted Keller’s ministry, offering to participate tomorrow if need be, and the email exchanges are hilarious, to say the least, and well worth a read. The three parts are here, here and here.
And there we have it. William (Bill) Herbert Keller is going to prove to the world the Middle Eastern god of Christianity is real. Now we just need William (Bill) Herbert Keller to live up to his promise, either with al-Baghdadi in the wretched sands of the Middle East where his god resides, or with Club on a manicured U.S lawn.
Let’s make this happen!