Sketches on Atheism

Undeniable Proof of the Middle Eastern Christian God, Coming Soon!

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BKeller-liveprayerChristians have been waiting for this moment for a painfully long, long time. It is the stuff of theistic dreams, the one thing above all other things longed for most by priest, preacher, apologist and layman alike, and now that it’s almost here, I can predict with enormous certainty that when the world learns of this stunning event every human being from now until eternity will proudly and enthusiastically call themselves, (Creationist) Christians. It sounds deliciously wondrous because it is, and it’s summed up in eleven stunning words: the end of faith, and the start of evidence-based belief. This news is so monumental, so massively earth-shattering it demands repeating: THE END OF FAITH, AND THE START OF EVIDENCE-BASED BELIEF, because coming soon, as early as next week in fact, irrefutable physical proof for the existence of the Middle Eastern god Christians worship will be delivered by the online miracle working phenomenon: William (Bill) Herbert Keller.

Now until recently Keller has been your common southern American right wing evangelical charlatan. A criminal (massive Securities and Exchange fraud) who fled from authorities the moment he knew he’d been uncovered, was caught, served time in a federal prison (Saufley Field), earned a B.S. in biblical studies from Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University whilst removed from society, founded the tax free Bill Keller Ministries, went online, and started legally thieving from the hopelessly gullible and superstitious with scams like Gold for Souls.

It turns out, however, that these naive victims devout folk handing over their money to fund Keller’s “online ministry” might have in fact been uncommonly intuitive, seeing in this digitised evangelical prophet and late-night Floridian TV host the makings of the greatest Christian who ever lived; the man who historians would record as not only proving the existence of their god, God, but also single-handedly annihilating the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIS).

Yes, that ISIS.

You see, a few weeks ago William (Bill) Herbert Keller issued a stupendously bold challenge, courageously daring the leader of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, to join him in the altar challenge laid out in the 18th chapter of the Book of 1 Kings. You can see his video challenge here.

“It is time someone is calling these evil tools of Satan out, instead of cowering in the tent as the army of Israel did when taunted by Goliath.”

The challenge, as specified in scripture, is quite simple: two altars are erected, one to Baal, and the other to Elijah’s god. Prayers are launched into the sky and then it becomes a matter of which god proves its existence by incinerating the altars.

“I will come to Iraq, Syria, any location you [Mr. al-Baghdadi] desire. We will each take an unblemished animal, cut that animal into pieces, put those pieces on wood, but not set fire to the wood. Once prepared, you have one hour’s time to call on Allah to rain down fire on your offering. If at the end of that hour Allah has still not answered your pleas, I will call upon the one true God of the Bible … not just to bring down fire on my offering, but yours as well.”

Great stuff, right? The words of a man who’s certain. And here are the stakes Keller lays out for the miserable, Satan-loving al-Baghdadi:

“If your god Allah does not answer you … you will resign as the leader of ISIS. You will retire from your life of terror. You will encourage your followers to live in peace and I will be free to return to the United States. If your god Allah answers your pleas by fire [and] my God does not, I will renounce the Christian faith, and you’re free to kill me or do whatever you like.”

Awesome! Keller’s claim is there in black, white, and pixilated full-colour, and I believe we should all (hopeless Heathen and devout Christian, virgin-hungry Muslim and pious Sikh, happy Hindu and thoughtful Jane, spunky Zoroastrian and fire-loving Yazidi , fervent Mithraist and crazy Scientologist alike) get behind this evangelical and help him physically prove his god, like he says he can and will. To lend our support I urge you to join me in writing a letter to the editor of Keller’s local newspapers (the St Petersburg Tribune and the Tampa Bay Times, as well as the New York Times), urging them to gather behind Keller and deploy their enormous investigative powers to find al-Baghdadi and present him with the challenge. You can send your letters directly via these links.

St. Petersburg Tribune Letter to the Editor 

Tampa Bay Times Letter to the Editor

NYT’s Letter to the Editor 

elijah-call-down-fireNow, failing Keller actually travelling to Syria to perform this winner-take-all god showdown with al-Baghdadi, the always excellent Paladin of Pennsylvania, Club Schadenfreude, has graciously and selflessly offered herself up to stand in the ISIS leaders place so Keller can demonstrate to all the world the power of his particular Middle Eastern god. Club has already contacted Keller’s ministry, offering to participate tomorrow if need be, and the email exchanges are hilarious, to say the least, and well worth a read. The three parts are here, here and here.

And there we have it. William (Bill) Herbert Keller is going to prove to the world the Middle Eastern god of Christianity is real. Now we just need William (Bill) Herbert Keller to live up to his promise, either with al-Baghdadi in the wretched sands of the Middle East where his god resides, or with Club on a manicured U.S lawn.

Let’s make this happen!

156 thoughts on “Undeniable Proof of the Middle Eastern Christian God, Coming Soon!”

      • But what if do both burst into flames, and the Moslem cries “Delayed reaction!”?

        Think about it, takes a long time for spontaneous combu— lightning to travel down from Heaven, even at express rates.

        Hardly a double-blind fail-safe etc etc test. Naaaa … I’ll stick with ol’ Buddha for now. Then again, my little statue of Isis has never let me down … nor any of the others (I cover all bases).

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  4. Good to see you’re back. But there are of course a lot of pitfalls to this challenge. First, God might oppose both Keller and al-Baghadhi and destroy both of them. Secondly, God might not exist or (s)he might not be interested at all and hence will do nothing.

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    • Well, we all know Veles is the one and only true god, God, and as the Great Purveyor of Mischief He will most certainly participate, although not as one might expect. If I had to guess, the Lord Veles (Poobahhh) will rain down every odd sock He has even stolen, solving, at least, that one great mystery of humanity.

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    • Mordy has a valid point. I dare say a jealous God might get a bit miffed at a mere minion (however well intentioned) committing Him to a course of action (a damned cheek, in fact, when you think about it).

      Perhaps ol’ God will do the decent thing and simply ignore it?

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  5. Isn’t Mr. Keller being a little presumptuous allowing allah only one hour?What if he’s busy and wants to reschedule? God’s are busy people.

    – happy to see that you’re posting again John. Cheers

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    • Hey there, Mary. Good point… Allah is busy these days, especially with the new caliphate and all the paperwork which must go-along with such an enterprise 😉

      Still, the image of these two nutters out in the desert, standing before their altars, talking to the sky, is priceless.

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      • “Still, the image of these two nutters out in the desert, standing before their altars, talking to the sky, is priceless.”

        I’m sure FOX would be all over this. It’d be great to have O’Reilly and Hannity out there monitoring this and a fortuitous bolt of lightning hit the whole shebang. 🙂

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    • He’s a cash machine, Larry. He even has a prayer pyramid scam running where he asks his “followers” to get their friends to “donate” and he’ll give a percentage to the “referrer”. Ingenious, and legal 😦

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  8. I am a bit ashamed to share my last name with that guy :°) LOL
    If I would see this on German TV here I would not doubt for a tenth of a second that it was a satirical show, and quite a nice joke. If this guy is American, it might in fact be that he means what he is saying. 🙂
    Mr. Keller’s problem might be that al-Bagdhadi might indeed invite him, to what will be Mr. Keller’s last trip.

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    • I’d LOVE IT if al-Bagdhadi answered this challenge. Hell, I think i’d even travel to Syria myself just to witness the spectacle. Of course, the default position of what happens when (not if) nothing at all happens was never broached. The Humanist in me wishes they’d both shrug their shoulders and say, “Oh, well that settles it then….” but of course, what would happen is the start of the excuses for why nothing happened.

      Faith = Excuses for Nothing Happening.

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      • What would happen if al-Bagdhadi forces Keller to convert (or be killed), which would be a likely option.
        There have been such cases before. For example, ther was a Jewish self-proclaimed messiah who was forced to convert to Islam (by the name of Sabbatai Zevi) whose followers nevertheless somehow rationalised this soehow and continued to view him as the messiah. We will see what will happen (probably nothing).

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      • I honestly don’t know, but Keller seems perfectly at ease, if not full of bravado, with the whole thing, so i’m sure his god will show up and smite an altar or two with heavenly fire 😉

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      • What if HE misses? That reminds me of a (silly) joke:
        A priest and a nun are playing soccer. The prist is aiming at the goal, but he is missing. “Damn fucking shit, I’v missed”. The nun is saying: “You must not swear like that. Next time, the lightning of the lord is going to hit and kill you!”.
        After some time, the priest is missing again. “Damn fucking shit, I’ve missed again”. The next moment, a lightning strikes the nun, then a voice comes out of the sky: “Damn fucking shit, I’ve missed”.

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  10. I think it was Robert Caldiani who wrote about what happens to millennial cultists when the aliens/gods don’t show up to destroy the earth when they’re supposed to – instead of going “right then, I guess that was a load of rubbish”, they double down and get even more fanatical.

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  11. Welcome back John, and with a bang, might I add. 😉 I see you have posted the very dude that Kathy, over on Nate’s blog, creams in her jeans over. I’ll wager that Kathy is in full support of this narcissist’s latest shenanigans. The guy has for sure gone off the deep end. It may cost him his life. What an idiot. I’m guessing you knew he and his “ministry” was listed by the Southern Poverty Law Center (those damn “liberals”), as a hate group.

    UFB

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    • I did not know that, but I’m not surprised. In fact, I only first heard of him after Club started her series. An extraordinary scam artist if there ever was one. Gold for Souls? I mean, come on…. Still, can’t stop people buying the snake oil if they do it voluntarily.

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      • Yep — I even posted a couple of videos of him on Nate’s blog, where he was totally whacked out; told her he had been a felon, and Kathy still defended him, stating that she agreed with him. When I told her about him being listed by the SPLC as a hate group, she started going on an “liberals”. She linked one of her blog posts a couple of times on Nate’s blog, where she posted his website and quoted a lot of his fanatical ramblings. But I had not heard about his latest “challenge”. This is unreal. O_o

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      • I’ve never seen Kathy’s blog, but given her comments on Nate’s I can only imagine how whacked-out her private stuff is. Seeing Keller as anything but a charlatan speaks volumes to that.

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      • Indeed it does, and I don’t care how many “Kathy posts” Nate publishes (now part 4) with thousands of comments from people trying to reason with her — people like Kathy generally need to go through cult deprogramming before they can be reasoned with. Keller and others like him got their claws in her but good.

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      • What does a cult deprogramming look like? It seems to me there’s something far deeper buried inside the likes of Kathy (and Roy, and the others who float through promising hellfire) than simple childhood indoctrination and the later reinforced coercion into an unhealthy, hate-filled club mentality. It appears these people have been damaged, and this irrational attachment to invisible skydaddy’s is their crisis-response.

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      • Yeah, sadly, when people have neurological issues that cause them to become hyper-religious, the longer they are hyper-religious, without some medical intervention, the greater likelihood their neurological issues will worsen. But because these hyper-religious behaviors are “religious” in nature, they are often not addressed, and it’s taboo in our society to discuss it.

        Also, it’s perfectly legal to mislead, deceive, terrorize (especially children) using very effective, sophisticated mind-control techniques, and rip people off in America. So I share (advocate) because I care, not because I want to “destroy” someone’s faith.

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  13. Good to see you back. What a great post. I missed this, but be assured, I’m writing to those papers to encourage this to take place. Gotta be careful with the whole “calling on the gods to rain down fire stuff.” After being told Playboy was an evil magazine by a Catholic nun whilst in high school, I went home at shouted out to the heavens, “If my Playboys are evil,Jeebus, then rain fire down on them and burn them up!” Well, needless to say, I had A LOT of explaining to do when my mom got home and found my entire bedroom burned to a cinder. Good thing I kept my porn stash in the basement, eh? The moral here, though, is don’t shout out to the gods to rain down fire if you can’t take the heat when you get burned. Amen.

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  14. *Facepalm* Well. . . that’s beyond ridiculous! He’s trying to do what he thinks is right within his worldview, but he’s forgetting that he is NOT a prophet like Elijah and that animal sacrifice is no longer in vogue.

    Maybe he works for the government and this is all a ruse to locate ISIS leaders for a nice little surprise attack. That’s a far fetched idea, but I’m just throwing it out there. 🙂

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  16. The German term for something like this is “Realsatire” (when something happens in reality that you would only expect to occur in satire).

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  18. Just reblogged this asking for others to join me in supporting this dudes efforts. 😉 it will be such fun watching the “God off”. Not a thrilla in Manilla but and query in Syri.
    Sorry best i could come up with after a long day on the road.

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    • Hahaha, believe it or not, I was struggling this morning to find the right catchphrase too. Rumble in the Jungle. Easy! Syria…? Iraq…? It takes a lot to stump with me with words, but i stand before you a defeated man 🙂

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  19. This has Monty Python written all over it! ( at a later date)

    For now …

    They should send Spielberg & Fox News ( for the docu -movie) and someone from the US state dept. with a letter Guaranteeing they won’t drone Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s arse and let the chips fall where they will.

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  20. In your para beginning ‘awesome’ you listed almost everyone but left out the Zealous …

    namely the Zele-ous (bugger, it was a bit weak anyway mutter mutter mutter …)

    QUERY:
    Sir — will HH the Pope be joining Mr Bill? You know, lending spiritual support and actually offering himself as another lamb to Allah’s feast?

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  21. It’s great to be reading you again, John. And wow, this is SO worth the wait!

    This is the first I’ve heard of Mr Keller and his elaborate ‘non-stunt’ of a challenge. One thing you failed to mention in your otherwise brilliant piece, which I noticed instantly from the picture you included, is that this prophet has some incredibly fucked up hair. This made me wonder if it’s all part of his god’s, God, plan to have his spokespeople looking like some crossbred labradoodle attempt gone wrong. A little google search into god’s more recent army of direct representatives, and I found even more fucked up hair. Just take a look at Al Sharpton if you require evidence. I had to go back as far as David Koresh before finding a truly heavenly sent Jesus-like head of luscious locks. Dave was, to say the least, styling. I then googled Mr Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and yep, he is also in desperate need of a trim, some conditioner, divine follicle intervention of the most extreme kind. Maybe, if this whole fiery alter thing doesn’t pan out, and we know that it won’t, maybe these two could do some kind of salon challenge. Same results, attention, without losing an ounce of ridiculousness.

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  23. Alas, challenges like these are trivial for middle eastern gods. Whilst the congregation waits reverently for their respective gods to intervene, one ISIS support will behead Keller whilst another christian fundamentalist will nuke the altars from the sky. In the aftermaths, both sides will claim victory thanks to the mysterious ways intervention from the same god on behalf of his mad followers.

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  25. Opiates for the masses John. Religion is a vice. Narcotic sugar to coat the bitter taste of reality, pimped out by God’s house of vice in exchange for alms the colour of green. It was ever thus, but a fix is a fix, right? Intravenous genuflection. Finding proof of this God is like proving that the baby you saw crawling across your ceiling during your last come-down was actually both real and plausible, and not just a figment of one’s drug-addled imagination (reference to the film ‘Trainspotting’). Not that I’m that much of a cynic, but I find myself having to draw the line when it comes to huge misunderstandings like this.
    Now to serve my own Inner God and get that fix of caffeine…

    I’ve missed you, friend. 🙂

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      • Of course I can, I’m a writer! Fiction is my game, Creator of Gods and God-offs my name. Sure I’d want to promote my work, it makes me richer…it’s a no-brainer! And yeah, I’ll be laughing my socks off all the way to the comedy bank in the sky!
        Anyway, I thought the Python lot already made that comedy?
        😉

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      • And so they should, it’s called taking turns, or fair play. Something that neither the Americans or Arabs have been particularly good at in recent years. This should be an entertaining spectacle, and one as you say worthy of a good laugh! 🙂

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  26. I got confused by his opening statement when he said “…you’re nothing but a terrorist whose state was created by terror, violence and murder.” I thought that was a bit harsh on Mr Obama.
    Seriously though John, you’re missing the downside for you in particular – if there IS a bolt of lightning then that’s the end of your blog, oh and you’ll have a bit of a penance due. lol

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  27. Oh yeah! We need more people like this who are willing to pretend they do actually believe their invisible gods could do something, instead of the usual sincere believers who have to rely on coincidences and the random occurrences of life for their ‘proof’. I hope more religious nutters join the circus – the Jews at least should have a representative – but maybe we could branch beyond that god line and involve some more exotic religions as well!

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      • I’d be delighted – and confident my conjured thunderbolt would be the flashiest of them all (with your help). Still undecided – like the idea of a fresh and modern political slate that is more representative of this section of the population’s desires (given that the south is moving more right wing and xenophobic) but unhappy with nationalism and unnecessary bureaucratic upheaval. Too many risks and unknown factors either way so I might just observe.

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      • I don’t envy you having to make the decision. I used to be a staunch republican, off with the Queen’s head, but i’ve come to see her status as (non-interfering) head of state as a tremendously good thing; keeping the local politics in a respectable, mischievous sphere while retaining the threat of a mother-figure who could impose some discipline if needed. It works. You, however, have the problem of direct rule, so its not at all so clear cut.

        Saw a good joke though yesterday:

        Scotland: I’m leaving!
        England: I’m pregnant…

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  28. love it john. freakin’ hilarious. a great read and great comments.

    (I also know about “Kathy”, the Bill Keller fanatic. she is a total nutjob, she’s been defending him as long as I have been hounding him, since 2006.)

    keller has already proven himself to be a false prophet:

    False Prophet Bill Keller challenges Pat Robertson to a “stoning of the prophets”. Who said christianity was a religion of peace?

    keller said god told him that john Kerry would win the election and if he was wrong that he would be willing to be stoned to death. of course when he was wrong, he chickened out.

    also, once I emailed keller and asked why he dies his hair blond, he said “god told him to”

    LOL

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    • LOL! Really? That’s priceless!

      Ah, so he has a history of saying people can kill him if he’s wrong. I’m sure there are clinics in Vienna which would just love to have him come for a session or two 🙂

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  30. You’re back! I always knew you’d return one day, just like Jesus!;)
    And just like Jesus, your return was an epic one…great read! Sometimes the tribulations of people like Keller makes for satire of biblical proportions. I do hope ISIS takes him up on his offer;)

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