Loopers

EXTRACT FROM, THE FUCKENING Roundly considered the second worst best idea ever in computing, Loopers were an experimental type of machine intelligence envisaged in the late 2700’s by Canute McClanahanahan: a dreamer, a mathematician, founder of the Mizule Wizards Society, and a collector of exceedingly rare antique Tupperware lids. In principal, Loopers were ordinary quantum … Continue reading →

Pompous Thundercunt

Extract from, The Fuckening Padrin eyed the button like it was a strikingly ugly baby. “Never seen that before,” he concluded. “Press it,” said Bookbinder. “You press it!” parried Padrin. “You’re closest!” hissed Bookbinder. “We’re exactly the same distance, you stillborn waffle!” Being true didn’t make it right. Bookbinder considered crawling back a foot, but … Continue reading →

Black Holes are Dangerous

Black holes are dangerous. Creating a black hole close to anything you’re especially fond of is stupid. On these two matters most people know just enough about both subjects to happily agree. What most people don’t have the foggiest idea about is that in the old Earth Balearic dialect of Catalan, when combined, the etymological … Continue reading →

Genesis Projects

Once thought a little tricky, creating life had turned out to be so easy that it was about as impressive as discovering your thumb. Any four-year-old with a biosphere chamber could do it because everything was, to some degree, alive… Which was exactly what the panpsychists had been trying to tell everyone from the start. … Continue reading →

Argumentum Nostrums

For better or for worse, since the early 2400’s traditional wedding ceremonies (whose plotlines were broadly predictable) have been largely replaced with Argumentum Nostrums (whose plotlines are, in theory, entirely up for grabs). An Argumentum Nostrum is a two to three-hour long event where instead of three-hundred friends and family gathering in their finest livery … Continue reading →

Pherometres

An extract from the book, The Fuckening. Pherometres are simply marvellous devices. Survey after survey consistently places them in the Top Five of the greatest inventions of all time; and since their market debut in 2390 these little devices have greased the wheels of hundreds of millions of quick, passionate, exceedingly wet affairs. Pherometres are … Continue reading →

On Gravity: an extract from the science fiction comedy, The Fuckening

For reasons not entirely mysterious, the sentence, “I really like what you’ve done with the gravity” is not as common as, say, the sentence, “I really like what you’ve done with the curtains.” Gravity either is or it isn’t. It can feel like ten elephants sitting on your head, or no elephants at all, but … Continue reading →

The Fuckening

2041 was a fun year. In March, Fancy Kevin Steeride surprised his own shadow; twice. In June, Norway set out to remedy a litany of humourless stereotypes and reinvaded Northumbria with three-hundred longships filled with giant Norsemen dressed as clowns… and unintentionally killed hundreds of British holidaymakers before anyone even saw the first plastic battle … Continue reading →

The God-Hypothesis

Imagine, if you will, a bright young chap proposing an intriguing hypothesis for something. It doesn’t really matter what. What’s important is that it was a hypothesis that, at least on paper, sounded quite compelling. So, an Abstract was written, and following the Abstract some justifications for the probable truth of the idea were published… … Continue reading →

Abortion: There is No Ethical Dilemma

How can you “kill” something that cannot “die”? This is arguably the most significant question in any discussion concerning the legality of abortion, and because facts matter, the following seventeen words are critical in understanding that before gestational week 25, although more accurately week 28, there is no ethical dilemma in terminating a pregnancy because … Continue reading →