This Superstitious Naked Ape Fellow

The stupid, it burns.

stupid-question-stupid-dumb-question-facepalm-demotivational-posters-1356066944We all know that religion and stupidity go hand in hand. They’re bed-buddies, BFF’s, a binary system interchangeable at a moment’s notice. Not all stupid things are however religious and sometimes we just have admit that nitwittedness is a given even when mindless superstition is not there egging it on. I’ve touched on a few of these examples in earlier posts but to start this short dash to the goose that lays the golden egg take the case of the 12 meter long, sun-blistered wooden runabout that opened fire with a few ageing AK-47’s on the 140 meter long, steel-grey behemoth otherwise known as the USS Nicholas (FFG-47); a guided missile frigate boasting 40 Harpoon anti-ship missiles, a 75mm artillery rifle, two triple-tube torpedo launchers, four .50 caliber machine guns, and a 20mm computer-automated, electronically-powered, six-barrelled Vulcan Gatling gun capable of hurling 5,000 vacuum cleaner sized fists of metal per minute… a mechanical skill demonstrated with devastating effect shortly after the commencement of the Somali pirates ill-fated April 1st 2010 assault.

Unfathomably stupid, yes, but these hapless pirates do not even begin to hold a candle to 30 year old Jordanian plumber ‘Id Salid al-Jahalin who on the 1st of February, 1994, entered the already darkened Salwa cinema with a heavy bag over his shoulder and a terrible idea in his head. Concealed in the shadows al-Jahalin found an appropriately centralised seat, slipped the bag between his legs, set the ten minute fusing mechanism on the acetone peroxide bomb contained inside, and naturally prepared to make a hasty exit. As he did something however altogether unexpected happened. His eyes caught a glimpse of the images flashing not-so innocently across the screen and he became instantly fixated. Having never before seen a pornographic film his mind fought to be in two places at once, his knees protested then buckled, and against all better judgement ‘Id Salid al-Jahalin settled back into the seat for a minutes quiet viewing. Eleven minutes later al-Jahalin had misplaced his legs, his genitals, most of his ass, and presumably any sense of self-respect he ever possessed.

Sadly for us card carrying members of the human species ‘Id Salid al-Jahalin is left looking like a positive genius when compared to Cairo’s famed al-Azhar University scholar, Ezzat Attiya, who in 2007 issued a fatwa declaring that (unmarried) men and women could indeed work together side-by-side in modern offices if said (unmarried) women breast fed said (unmarried) men… Five times a day.

Now I will grant that the thought of adults breast feeding around office cubicles might seem an impossibly high bar to top but last night I heard that there walks the earth today a young man so astronomically thick-headed that he shames even this great Islamic scholar. Regretfully I can’t mention names or places of work as this one’s close to home, but for the purpose of this story let’s just say my wife is the regional online editor for a major international News company. It’s a big one, one you know, one renown for being on the spot as stories break and whose footage and text typically feed other News agencies around the world. It’s a fast-paced, forever shifting 24/7 job for a company you’d rightly think would have some exceptionally talented HR people adept at siphoning out the dazed and moronic in their candidate hopefuls. Apparently not. Enter fresh faced employee Y who’s no doubt chuffed to have data entry position X in admin department Z of company Damn, Mum’s so fucking proud I work for them!  Initiative, employee Y clearly has. What young Mr Y lacks is however a certain sophistication regarding the industry he’s now in, and in one fateful email he unloaded both mindless barrels on my beautiful, albeit unsuspecting wife.

Employee Y had an idea, but not just any idea. The fruits of Y’s brain orgasm would revolutionise how admin department Z worked, and how it’d gone unnoticed all these years must have honestly left the young man scratching his head as he eagerly tapped away at his keyboard. Now I’ll have to paraphrase the email here as it was unfortunately deleted (unanswered) shortly after my better half had gathered up her jawbone from the floor. I assure you however that this is the bona fide meat (and approximate length) of the words sent:

“Hi G! Listen, this hourly/daily system ingest seems really inefficient. To streamline things down here (in department Z) and get ahead of the admin curve it’d be great if early every Monday morning you could forward me the complete list of all (News) stories you’ll be handling over the coming week.”


24 thoughts on “The stupid, it burns.

  1. Who says the young aren’t creative? Or that they lack initiative? Wouldn’t it be interesting to post a job opening for a person with such a talent? Who do you think would apply: tarot readers, those people who make the silly New Year’s predictions, somebody who could really do this? Think about it! Getting ahead of the curve! Scooping Fox (sic) News! The benefits are endless, as is this young person’s tenuous connection with reality.


    • I have to say i was upset the email was deleted, unanswered. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity to let fly with a barrage of crystal ball gazing jokes… “Please address all future internal correspondence to Edgar Casey.” 🙂


  2. No doubt your Missus has a large crystal ball on her desk as well as/ instead of a Laptop.
    “I see a short dipstick taking a long walk off an even shorter pier….very soon. Before the end of the week, in fact?”


      • However….on a second read, it makes one wonder if Erstwhile BYT didn’t know something…hmmmm?
        Remember that movie with Dustin Hoffman & Robert de Niro; Wag the dog.

        I’m sure this is not the case, really…but sometimes you have to wonder.


      • You reckon we might have accidently uncovered some son of Zeus here on the earthly plateau cutting his teeth over the summer break? Mmmm, you might be onto something there, Ark!


      • Zeus.? gods I hope not..I am referring to the penchant for News being ”created’.

        Or the accountant asking his client,”Sö, Mister Nixon, what would you like your books to say?


  3. Actually, some of the lame ass stuff that happens around the world is so predictable that your wife wouldn’t have been that far off the mark if she had made a stab at some of it. Employee Y would have been in awe of her skills no doubt.


    • Actually, you have a point. Tuesday, 11am, a Coup will happen in Argentina. Thursday, the Chinese will launch an attack on Taiwan… and on Friday, around 3pm, a schoolteacher in Maryland will figure out the meaning of life!


  4. “Eleven minutes later al-Jahalin had misplaced his legs, his genitals, most of his ass, and presumably any sense of self-respect he ever possessed.”

    Man oh man! I love your writing.
    Great Post!


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