Sketches on Atheism

What Evangelicals Might As Well Be Saying At Your Door

Kissing Hanks Ass.

Written by James Huger

People-peeking-inThis morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: “Hi! I’m John, and this is Mary.”
Mary: “Hi! We’re here to invite you to come kiss Hank’s ass with us.”
Me: “Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who’s Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?”
John: “If you kiss Hank’s ass, He’ll give you a million dollars; and if you don’t, He’ll kick the shit out of you.”
Me: “What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?”
John: “Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can’t until you kiss His ass.”
Me: “That doesn’t make any sense. Why…”
Mary: “Who are you to question Hank’s gift? Don’t you want a million dollars? Isn’t it worth a little kiss on the ass?”
Me: “Well maybe, if it’s legit, but…”
John: “Then come kiss Hank’s ass with us.”
Me: “Do you kiss Hank’s ass often?”
Mary: “Oh yes, all the time…”
Me: “And has He given you a million dollars?”
John: “Well no. You don’t actually get the money until you leave town.”
Me: “So why don’t you just leave town now?”
Mary: “You can’t leave until Hank tells you to, or you don’t get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you.”
Me: “Do you know anyone who kissed Hank’s ass, left town, and got the million dollars?”
John: “My mother kissed Hank’s ass for years. She left town last year, and I’m sure she got the money.”
Me: “Haven’t you talked to her since then?”
John: “Of course not, Hank doesn’t allow it.”
Me: “So what makes you think He’ll actually give you the money if you’ve never talked to anyone who got the money?”
Mary: “Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you’ll get a raise, maybe you’ll win a small lotto, maybe you’ll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street.”
Me: “What’s that got to do with Hank?”
John: “Hank has certain ‘connections.'”
Me: “I’m sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game.”
John: “But it’s a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don’t kiss Hank’s ass He’ll kick the shit out of you.”
Me: “Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him…”
Mary: “No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank.”
Me: “Then how do you kiss His ass?”
John: “Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl’s ass, and he passes it on.”
Me: “Who’s Karl?”
Mary: “A friend of ours. He’s the one who taught us all about kissing Hank’s ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times.”
Me: “And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?”
John: “Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here’s a copy; see for yourself.”

From the Desk of Karl
Kiss Hank’s ass and He’ll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
Use alcohol in moderation.
Kick the shit out of people who aren’t like you.
Eat right.
Hank dictated this list Himself.
The moon is made of green cheese.
Everything Hank says is right.
Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
Don’t use alcohol.
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
Kiss Hank’s ass or He’ll kick the shit out of you.

Me: “This appears to be written on Karl’s letterhead.”
Mary: “Hank didn’t have any paper.”
Me: “I have a hunch that if we checked we’d find this is Karl’s handwriting.”
John: “Of course, Hank dictated it.”
Me: “I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?”
Mary: “Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people.”
Me: “I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they’re different?”
Mary: “It’s what Hank wants, and Hank’s always right.”
Me: “How do you figure that?”
Mary: “Item 7 says ‘Everything Hank says is right.’ That’s good enough for me!”
Me: “Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up.”
John: “No way! Item 5 says ‘Hank dictated this list himself.’ Besides, item 2 says ‘Use alcohol in moderation,’ Item 4 says ‘Eat right,’ and item 8 says ‘Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.’ Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too.”
Me: “But 9 says ‘Don’t use alcohol.’ which doesn’t quite go with item 2, and 6 says ‘The moon is made of green cheese,’ which is just plain wrong.”
John: “There’s no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you’ve never been to the moon, so you can’t say for sure.”
Me: “Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock…”
Mary: “But they don’t know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese.”
Me: “I’m not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow ‘captured’ by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn’t make it cheese.”
John: “Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!”
Me: “We do?”
Mary: “Of course we do, Item 7 says so.”
Me: “You’re saying Hank’s always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That’s circular logic, no different than saying ‘Hank’s right because He says He’s right.'”
John: “Now you’re getting it! It’s so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank’s way of thinking.”
Me: “But…oh, never mind. What’s the deal with wieners?”
Mary: She blushes.
John: “Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It’s Hank’s way. Anything else is wrong.”
Me: “What if I don’t have a bun?”
John: “No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong.”
Me: “No relish? No Mustard?”
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He’s shouting. “There’s no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!”
Me: “So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?”
Mary: [Sticks her fingers in her ears]”I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la.”
John: “That’s disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that…”
Me: “It’s good! I eat it all the time.”
[Mary faints]
John: [He catches Mary] “Well, if I’d known you were one of those I wouldn’t have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I’ll be there, counting my money and laughing. I’ll kiss Hank’s ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater.”
 

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

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123 thoughts on “What Evangelicals Might As Well Be Saying At Your Door

    • B’wahahaha! We have them trolling our streets incessantly, but I find if I just speak to them in English (as my Portuguese is truly atrocious) they eventually just smile and walk away.

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  1. I tried this argument, albeit not quite as elegantly, last night at an event that’s promoting a fracking ban here in Denton. One of the lady’s that was there approached me and introduced herself as the owner of a construction material company and encouraged me to shop there soon and often. Then she asked if I was attending a church. I said no so she began to tell me about her church.

    I assured her the church walls would cave in if I walked in but she double-assured me that they would not because they had used quality products building it. So trying to end a long conversation quickly I informed her that though I was quite devout at one time I’m not a believer any longer in the invisible man in the sky. She then proceeded to tell me how important faith was in believing things you can’t see or validate in any way and I made the mistake of asking how you can faith in something created by a bunch of old ancient men who thought the earth was flat and the sun revolved around the earth. She looked at me as if I didn’t know that this was case.

    The good thing is she supports a ban on fracking here in Denton so not a total loss.

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  2. Thanks for the laugh, John!
    Last Sunday, I answered a knock at my door and a well groomed man in a suit was there. I was all ready for him to sell me Jesus, but he only wanted to borrow a tie for a wedding. I didn’t even know who the guy was, but I went and got him one, because it was such a pleasant surprise from what I expected!

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  3. Excellent. Read this before and liked it. I’m totally convinced in the power of Hank. However, I now believe Hank is an alien scientist who has us all hooked up to a matrix-like machine in a Plato-like cave. Since we can’t disprove this, we can only live on mere faith that it is or isn’t true. Thus, when the followers of Hank come to my door I always welcome them. Then I ask them to please have Hank unplug me from his cruel matrix-like machine so I can appreciate his brilliance more fully. All of this is true. You’ll have to take it on faith that it is, however, because I’ve no tangible evidence of any of this gibberish. Thus, nothing means anything except those things that actually mean something to someone somewhere at some time in some anonymous cave someplace or somewhere. This then, somehow, gives absolute meaning in some way to the here and now for those in the right someplace to appreciate the nebulous brilliance of this somewhat tripe-like rhetoric. $Amen$

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  4. You forgot two important things. The reason you deserve to have the shit kicked out of you is because your great-grandparents were naughty, and some believe that Hank decides who to reward and who to kick according to his own free will, otherwise he wouldn’t be such a big philanthropist.

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  5. Reblogged this on no sign of it and commented:
    A brief history of Western religion to the present day.
    And in the sequel:
    Mary: “John, I… I… I ate mustard on my wiener! Yes, I did! And it was good!”
    John (who has been secretly imbibing a quart of gin): “Wiener neener neener no… .” (Passes out.)

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  6. LOL — that surely puts it into perspective.

    I used to get knocks at the door all the time from Mormons (always two guys who were earning their way into polygamous heaven). They were the same two guys that came by. Even though I politely told them I wasn’t interested, they’d still came back on a regular basis and wanted to come in and talk about kissing Hank’s ass. I finally found an effective strategy. Worked like a charm. No more Mormons knocking at my door. Empowered women scare the chit out of them. 😉

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  7. You know … I really wish I’d written this myself … and now it’s too late. I’ll kill myself. I’ll … I’ll … I’ll eat krauted wieners, I’ll even kiss Mary … (gulp!) (Oh no, not the ultimate—) even kiss Hank’s ass! Just bring him here and I’ll do it as an act of contrition, that’s a promise. So help me, Dog …

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  8. Deviation, (being ‘deviant’ is what I really mean), is always a good tactic I find when it comes to door-to-door pedlars of immutable wisdoms. That and promoting my own good work, that always throws them a little. Still haven’t worked out why it makes them go quiet when I tell them I see and talk to dead people sometimes, you’d think they’d lap that stuff up. I mean, they claim to talk to dead people all the time, at least in the sense of non-corporeal beings. Why should my admission be such a shock…? Like I said before, they never return to my door after that. Charlatans!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Still haven’t worked out why it makes them go quiet when I tell them I see and talk to dead people sometimes

      LOL! Naughty, but a superb showstopper. You could, of course, always up the ante a little and add, “Would you like to commune with the Great Lord Veles, POOOBAH…?”

      Liked by 1 person

      • Haha! I don’t know why that never occurred to me. You devil you…!

        “The great POOBAH, thinks that you should get another day job” (fingers to temples, eyes closed in deep trancelike concentration).

        You know, just yesterday there was a knock at the door. The mistrusting soul that I am I opened the door with reluctance as I knew I wasn’t going to be buying whatever was being sold. JWs this time. Mother pushing pram, with young suited and booted son in tow doing all the selling, no more than 6 years old. I smiled sweetly, took his recyclable pamphlet, bade them goodbye then shut the door. My daughter who’d been standing next to me said:

        “Poor kid. He was really sweet though. Mum, is that how marketing works?” (she’s 10)

        “Yes Grace. If you know the tricks of marketing you can sell anything dear child. Even religion. Doesn’t make it honest though, or true.”

        “I thought it was mean that she made him do it though”, she concluded.

        “Astute observation Grace. Keep it up, and you’ll do just fine.”

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      • It is pathetic, I agree. It took a lot for me not to shut the door again immediately, but I didn’t want to create a bad impression for either kid. Then again, perhaps I should have. Why not cut to the chase when teaching important life lessons?

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Funny!
    I had some young evangelicals come to my door a few years back inviting my family and I to attend an easter morning “worship” service. They rang the door bell and when I answered they promptly gave me a paper invitation with a picture of a lamb and a cross on it that stated, “Come and worship the Lamb”. Having grown up within the evangelical church I was full aware of what they were doing and what they were presenting but I decided to play ignorant and decided to make play of it all. I got really excited about the event, asked when, where and how to get there. The joy on their faces was comical. When they thought they had just won over a potential convert, I gave it to them, “My children will be so excited to go to this petting zoo and pet this lamb. It isn’t very often we get petting zoos around here, my children love lambs. What other animals will you have there? My kids love ponies as well, will you have some?” They were confused and taken back and left as quickly as they shoved that invitation in my face.

    They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wasn’t the last one real? It was inspired by Insanity, which has actually inspired another, although its a kinda’ repeat: why didn’t Jesus say anything new or original. That stumped them all in a truly ghastly manner, which means its good, and deserves a new edit.

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      • Oh yeah, forgot about that one. You’ve been having a lovely ongoing chat with her crew, haven’t you? They’re a great bunch! I wonder why more of them don’t pop over here. Have you seen the epic conversation Raut’s got tangled in with one of them? I can’t imagine how he finds the time or the motivation.

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      • I saw it, then my eyes glazed over. Insanity’s friends are the best. I can imagine them all on a bus driving through a city with their hands over their eyes, hollering “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…”

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  10. Hehe, the best part is calmly talking to these people and asking them questions. The confusion on their faces is priceless, all while they try to continue and smile while I’m sure they’re thinking: you’re so going to hell. We had a couple of Mormons knock on our apartment door (of all places). While we were talking to them, some lady walked by and had to pipe in, “Don’t matter what you believe in, so long as Jesus is in ya heart!” Uh-huh, and I have spaghetti in my stomach so life is good, right?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hank, the billionaire philanthropist. makes me think of those scammers who want to give you money in exchange of some personal data (Yes, sure)

    The second dialogue is eloquent… The best ones:
    Me: “I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?”
    Mary: “Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people.”

    And:

    Me: “Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock…”
    Mary: “But they don’t know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese.”
    Me: “I’m not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow ‘captured’ by the Earth has been discounted*

    What would Hank, the philanthropist say about the arrival of Man to the Moon. Do you think he would approve it… Did Man arrive to the Moon?. I think he financed the project… Oh yes now I really want to kiss Hank’s a55!!!….That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

    Best wishes dear John ⭐
    Aquileana 😀

    Like

  12. Damn, Zande, you scored a gold mine with this one … wait, did you just get a million dollars? Did you kiss Hank’s Ass?

    Oh, and if anyone ever asks me “Can we talk to you about your immortal soul?” the only response I would be able to come up with would be “I don’t know, can you?”

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  13. I gotta tell you John, I’m not sure which part I love more;
    “If you kiss Hank’s ass, He’ll give you a million dollars; and if you don’t, He’ll kick the shit out of you.”
    OR
    ” …you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater.”

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Pingback: What Evangelicals Might As Well Be Saying At Your Door | vex cathedra

  15. Pingback: Matthew 5: 3 – 12 | vex cathedra

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